BALANCE & SURRENDER

What do you do when you know you have to change to be the best version of yourself you can be and the rest of the world around is going to stay the same?

How do you find the strength to say, “I’m the most important thing today?”

I know that it’s time (actually the time flew by a while ago) to be the person I am on the outside that I live and breath on the inside. And I know in order to do that, I’ll have to break old habits; I’ll have to leave my comfort zone; and I’m going to have to be a little different around people who have known me as one thing for most of my life.

It’s a tough decision. A tough compromise. The person I want to be on the outside is sort of radically different than the person I’ve been showing people (in some ways though my heart is still exactly the same). I wouldn’t want that to change anyway.

I’ve been caught for the last few weeks with that realization – sort of putting it off in a way so I wouldn’t have to face that choice. But I can’t run from it anymore. I’m terrified of walking through the world with a different set of eyes. I won’t be able to use the same old crutches and habits and the same numbing out with instant gratification that I normally do.

I’ve been saying for a while that I want to feel it all – everything good and everything bad; just be present and alive no matter what.

But now that I’m on the cusp of saying ‘this is how it’s now going to be’; I’m terrified of it! Ahhh. Life. What a trip, huh?

I can see it all in my mind’s eye – this soul inside just bursting to get out and be free of restrictions and fly high for once in my life. I can see it clear as day; clarity and peace and freedom and love, love, love…all around me. God is sitting beside me, waiting for me to say the word. I feel like one of those dogs at a race track behind the iron gate waiting for the gun shot to resound and that burst of energy takes over them and they GO, GO, GO…

That’s me right now.

It’s an act of surrender. I think I’m terrified of waving the white flag and saying ‘take me. I’m yours. Show me the way home, no matter how different everything looks to me.’

But I want it.
For the first time in my whole life.
I really want it.

I’m almost there.
Like this close, man….
This close.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.