lost

Do you ever get that feeling that all you’ve been doing is treading water and suddenly you’re tired and you just want to stop trying?

That’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’ve been trying and trying and trying not just for weeks, but months, really – the better part of a year.

I’ve tried Buddha. I’ve tried Jesus. I’ve tried exercise and nutrition and parties and vacations. I’ve tried different jobs and moving houses over and over again. I’ve tried music and movies and sex and meditation. I’ve tried therapy and energy work and alcohol and abstinence. I've eating and not eating. I've tried raging and I've tried peace.

I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING as a way of finding happiness.

And today – right now – all I feel is that I’ve lost the battle.

My emotions are this crazy roller coaster but nothing lasts longer than an hour or two before it changes again.

My red flags are up because I’ve been here before and it’s not pretty. It’s really frustrating when I feel like I’ve worked so hard to not go to this place in my mind and not only am I right back here but I’ve run out of ways to try and get out of it.

And for those of you who are wondering, it’s not just one thing. It’s everything. I hate where I’m at in my life. I thought I’d come to terms with everything and I’ve tried over and over to pull myself up and out but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t seem to get to that supposed light at the end of the tunnel.

I really hate writing depressed posts. I avoid it at all costs. But it seems silly to run from it at this point because I think it’s the running from it that just makes the crash and burn even more difficult.

The not-so-good times are out weighing the good ones. I can’t really remember the last time I was excited about anything. I get glimmers of hope and then it’s gone.

And for me – the worst of it all – is that I don’t remember who I am inside. I haven’t felt like myself for the better part of a year and the last six months even less like myself. I don’t even really know what that happy girl who believed in things and had goals – what the hell did that girl want?

What did she believe in? Where did she go?

Right now, all I want is to get up in the morning and not feel like I’m suffocating. I want to think of the days ahead of me and feel like there is something to look forward to.

There isn’t.
And there hasn’t been for a long time.
And because of all that, I don’t know how to be me anymore.

And I’m terrified of that.
I really am.

I’m sure it’s just a phase.
I hope it’s just a phase.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up some time from now and look back at this day and laugh at how fleeting it all was.

I hope so.
I really hope so.

But i'm not so sure.