I lied to a friend the other day.
I hate when I do that.
But the words just kind of slipped out.
I told him I was patient.
It’s not true.
I want things and I want them five minutes ago.
I’ve had a lot of time on my hands the last couple days. I do not do well with time. I am constantly trying to fill it up and numb it out and go, go, go. When I have a day or two with *gasp* NO PLANS, I mentally crumble.
How horrible is that?
You know what that means? It means that I don’t like being around myself. It means I don’t trust the moment, the right here, right now that I live and breathe. I thought I was much more evolved than that. Even evolution slips through the cracks sometimes. Demons slip in. That inner voice starts up and screams at you when you’re not looking.
It’s beautiful out today.
The rains have stopped.
The sun is shining. Wind is blowing. Life is waiting.
I know, I know. I will join it all soon.
I shut down some time last night. Just turned all the positive energy flows off. And *gasp again* started to feel sorry for myself.
I’ve kicked some major ass the last few weeks. I really have. I’ve made some changes, I’ve gone with the flow, I’ve risen above, let things go – with a wink and a smile on my face.
Acceptance. It’s a journey.
Some days are good. Some days are rocky.
I have so many plans to make; so much I want to do the next few months. But I want to do it all consciously. I don’t want to fill my time because I don’t want to think and feel. I want to feel EVERYTHING. I want to breathe free and clear, bad and good, beauty and ugly. All of it.
My friend Lauren told me a couple weeks ago when I was in the middle of a spiritual crises and had emailed her in a frenzy at work asking her if she though God leaves when you feel alone in the world. And she told me No. She told me it’s the opposite. God clears things away sometimes so it’s just you and him and you’re forced to listen.
I tried to ignore him all weekend.
He had left two full days open just for he and I and I tried to block it out.
I won’t do it again.
In fact, I’m getting in the car, turning up the tunes, and communing; having a good ole fashioned, one on one, pow-wow with the man in my life.
He must need me now.
Otherwise, why would we have given us so much time together this weekend?
No more noise.
No more numbing out.
I am here.
Me.
Right now.
And life is good.
(Thank you Lauren for opening my eyes over and over again).
:)
I hate when I do that.
But the words just kind of slipped out.
I told him I was patient.
It’s not true.
I want things and I want them five minutes ago.
I’ve had a lot of time on my hands the last couple days. I do not do well with time. I am constantly trying to fill it up and numb it out and go, go, go. When I have a day or two with *gasp* NO PLANS, I mentally crumble.
How horrible is that?
You know what that means? It means that I don’t like being around myself. It means I don’t trust the moment, the right here, right now that I live and breathe. I thought I was much more evolved than that. Even evolution slips through the cracks sometimes. Demons slip in. That inner voice starts up and screams at you when you’re not looking.
It’s beautiful out today.
The rains have stopped.
The sun is shining. Wind is blowing. Life is waiting.
I know, I know. I will join it all soon.
I shut down some time last night. Just turned all the positive energy flows off. And *gasp again* started to feel sorry for myself.
I’ve kicked some major ass the last few weeks. I really have. I’ve made some changes, I’ve gone with the flow, I’ve risen above, let things go – with a wink and a smile on my face.
Acceptance. It’s a journey.
Some days are good. Some days are rocky.
I have so many plans to make; so much I want to do the next few months. But I want to do it all consciously. I don’t want to fill my time because I don’t want to think and feel. I want to feel EVERYTHING. I want to breathe free and clear, bad and good, beauty and ugly. All of it.
My friend Lauren told me a couple weeks ago when I was in the middle of a spiritual crises and had emailed her in a frenzy at work asking her if she though God leaves when you feel alone in the world. And she told me No. She told me it’s the opposite. God clears things away sometimes so it’s just you and him and you’re forced to listen.
I tried to ignore him all weekend.
He had left two full days open just for he and I and I tried to block it out.
I won’t do it again.
In fact, I’m getting in the car, turning up the tunes, and communing; having a good ole fashioned, one on one, pow-wow with the man in my life.
He must need me now.
Otherwise, why would we have given us so much time together this weekend?
No more noise.
No more numbing out.
I am here.
Me.
Right now.
And life is good.
(Thank you Lauren for opening my eyes over and over again).
:)
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