(photo courtesy of Lucas Reynolds)

It’s time to write again.
I can’t seem to shut myself up lately!

Luke posted another message on his blog (picturesandsound.blogspot.com) and it’s all got me thinking.

I realize it’s a dangerous thing to not be satisfied with life as it is; to not be in the moment and give thanks for your blessings. I do get that. And I really try to see every single day as a gift even in its imperfections.

I’ve got that restless feeling today. Restlessness is hard for me. I’m reading all these books lately about finding your purpose and setting aside restlessness as a sign that you’re not living simply enough, not appreciating things, not seeing the path God has you on for what it is – acceptance and all that.

But I’m a creative spirit.
And creative spirits get restless and are rarely satisfied.

I desire so much out my life and I’m extremely hard on myself. I’m not very forgiving of my shortcomings sometimes. I want it all and I wanted it 2 seconds ago. I expect heaps from people too. I have very high expectations about how people should react, how they should behave, how they should treat me the same way (and with the same amount of energy) that I treat them.

I was having a freak out at work today. I felt pulled in a million different directions and I felt extremely alone. I hate those days. And what always seems to happen on those days when all I need is an act of kindness and a shoulder, everyone disappears! People are too busy or unreachable and (worse – like today) they are needy, needy, needy. I was bombarded left and right today with people needing me for things and all I wanted to do was bitch for 5 minutes to someone who would listen. All I wanted was for someone to be there for me at once.

Part of it is the fact that I’m an Assistant so my job is being needed and on most days, I don’t mind it. Today I did. Friends weren’t around the way I needed them to be. I’ve crashed and burned on giving and I wanted a little piece for myself.

Only one person was able to do that for me today (thanks Nana). He sat me down and we had a long talk before I burst into tears at my desk and he said that I was the kind of person who doesn’t know how to receive love. And at first I was a little taken aback because a: we don’t know eachother all that well and b: I never thought of myself that way.

I think he could tell by my face that I wasn’t sure how to react so (thankfully) he explained. He said I give and I give and I give and most of the time I like it (and he’s right; I like being needed – who doesn’t?) And because of that people think I don’t need help. They don’t ask because I always act stronger than I am sometimes. But the clincher was that he believed that I didn’t know how to receive the help even if people offered it.

And he was right!!

I gave him a hug and went on my way (ducking out quietly so I could think about this). How do you learn how to love?? How do you learn to receive gifts when your whole life you’ve been taught to take care of things yourself (I’m the oldest too…the oldest always takes care of everyone else). It’s all part of this big wall in my life that is keeping me from living the kind of life and having the kind of relationships I really want.

It was a key. I knew it when he said it. But now I’m left with the wonder and the worry that I don’t know how to break through the wall.

Vulnerability is really difficult for me. Maybe it is for lots of people, I don’t know. But I know it feels particularly difficult for me. It’s like I’m afraid that if I show people that I need them, that I’ll lose control over the things in my life. If I show people that (yes) I too sometimes, just need a hug, and an ear to listen to me talk about bullshit for a change; to be afraid and worried and incapable of handling my feelings sometimes, to not be perfect, just myself (my unique, crazy, creative, sensitive self), maybe they won’t accept me the same way. I don’t know what I’m thinking when those feelings crop up. It’s all a garbled mess in my mind.

Even now, I’m sitting here writing this and I’m feeling guilty that I needed people today. How messed up is that? I have a right to need people too, don’t I? When did that become confused in my mind? Maybe when my father left when I was a kid or when my mom consistently refused to bail me out of trouble (suffering the consequences of my actions was big to her) or when the one guy I’ve ever loved decided he didn’t love me anymore – could all those reasons be it? Did I turn off that need valve slowly little by little?

I don’t need anyone.
I can handle it myself.
I don’t need distractions – I have a plan.

But my plans have all changed suddenly.
My focuses are becoming melted and intertwined and different.
The things that I once filled my life with (travel and writing and parties) aren’t doing it for me anymore.

I want more.
I want something different.
I want freedom and love.

I know that sounds cheesy but this brings me back to Luke. Luke’s the kind of guy who reminds me of some core part of my soul- he reminds me of who I am inside; the things that are important to me, the things I desire – and they are all so much simpler than I ever thought before.

I don’t really want to conquer the world.
I want to love and be loved. I want a home of my own. I want a family. I want to live life honestly and give freely and try new things and get out in the world and have adventures.

I want to learn to surf.
I want to spend way more time outdoors.
I want to hike big mountains and hear beautiful music and make love by campfire light.
I want to laugh more than I cry.
I want to make a difference in someone’s life.

Maybe I have. Maybe I’m not seeing the big picture. Maybe I’m just lonely today. But something is different in me and I can’t ignore it.

I don’t want to hide anymore.

Watched Catch and Release tonight for the millionth time to get my mind off my thoughts. It might be one of my favorite love stories of all time…