Solid Ground.

My horoscope for this weekend:

"At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.' All week, we've been quoting Lao Tzu. His teachings are still quoted by those who seek a spiritual life. Because so little is known about him, though, there's not the same personality cult as there is around other spiritual masters. According to some, Lao Tzu was an astrologer as well as a philosopher. But enough about him. What's at the centre of YOUR being? Reach within. Find it. And let your light shine this weekend. "

I like it!

Life is really funny sometimes.
Not funny ‘ha ha’ but funny ‘drive me absolutely bonkers’.
Just kidding. (Well, partly)

I literally was just about to place my fingers on the keyboard to post a blog about how I need to focus and get clear and make myself a priority and build the quiet, peaceful life of my dreams when BAM! I get an email that challenges all of that.

Within seconds of the clear, peaceful thoughts crossing my mind, it’s like God just swooped in and said, ‘oh yea? How bad do you want it?’ and it threw me. I had to take several deep breathes in my friend’s cubicle and chat their ear off for about 20 minutes to set my mind straight.

But that process seemed to work because now I feel like my head is back on straight.
This whole ‘life is a timeline, full circle’ thing is crazy to me. Last year, I was headed out west with big dreams and a full bank account. This year, I’m humbly trying to clean up all my messes and figure out WHO I REALLY AM without those dreams to fall back on. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming big outside of myself and when I lost those dreams, it was devastating. I’m still recovering from it some days, I think.

I feel like I’m starting to walk again but on totally different feet!
And as you can see from some prior posts, I’m not always handling it well!
But I come by it all honestly and I know its part of the process and I’m starting to become okay with all that.

This morning I woke up feeling like I knew what I wanted. It was just a glimmer really – a sliver almost – but it felt genuine. It felt honest and real. It felt tangible for a second. And I had hope back when I thought I’d lost it.

And then I got that email and suddenly I’m sitting here questioning everything. But here’s how I know that I’m changing (even in the chaos)…it all didn’t last very long. I was able to assess the situation (okay, with a little help from some friends) and put it in perspective and see the light just as it is.

M y road is vastly different than I thought it was going to be when I was dreaming away as a little girl and I suppose it’s that way for a lot of people. And there’s a mourning period with that realization. You have to go through the grief of losing the dreams or at least, seeing them change and look different than how you believed them to be.

BUT THAT’S OK.

And that’s what I’m figuring out. My life may look different but as long as I keep looking inward, stop reaching outside of myself for happiness, and stay focused, I can have all that I’ve ever wanted and more.

Here’s a quote from the movie Moonlight Mile (which I LOVE, by the way). Susan Sarandon says to Jake Gyllenhaal who has questioned her about the validity of her marriage to Dustin Hoffman because they are so vastly different from eachother:

“You find your home, and it may not be what you thought - you know; color’s off, style's wrong... but there it is anyway and to hell with you if you can't take a joke.”

For some reason, that has stuck in my mind for years and now I know why. Life throws you curve balls and if you don’t roll with them, the world can look pretty bleak.

But if you start to accept it…
It you go with the flow and figure out who you are within the world you’ve been given…

Anything really is possible.
And to hell with you if you can’t take a joke.

Amen.