Blessings in disguise.

That hidden nerve.
Man, we all have one.

That one thing that is hidden deep down inside that you think nobody knows about you, or if they do they are in your inner circle close enough to not judge you for it and you like it that way so you do what you can to protect it so it won’t get out into the world and totally give you away.

Look, I’ve known what mine was for a long time. As you can probably guess, I’m pretty self aware (maybe to a fault). And every once in a while, I think I’ve worked on it a little, think I’ve made some progress in that area and that’s enough to make me not obsess about that thing for a few weeks or a few months even (on a good stretch).

It’s been bothering me for a few months now because I have let myself go; because things have been hard and I always take things out on myself first when things get hard. And every day, I do my best to talk myself through it; encouraging words, ‘just keep it going, get up every day, smile’ kind of words so that I don’t live in a state of berating myself about my shortcomings (that just can’t be healthy for anyone, I think).

But the truth is I do berate myself. Every single day. My brain doesn’t stop. And I know it’s not healthy and I know I should treat myself better but the truth is, it’s the oldest, deepest habit I have. And those deep wounds…they are usually the last to heal, aren’t they?

Today someone said something to me that cut right to that part of myself I try to deny all the time – something I try to numb out and pretend isn’t there. Something I thought was a secret. They weren’t trying to be hurtful. I know that. They probably thought they were simply offering some friendly advice; something that could help me a little.

But to me…it stung.
And it stung hard.

My eyes immediately welled up and I thought some bad things about that person for a second and tried to stop my thoughts from racing to that horrible place that loves to make me feel bad – that horrible recording in our heads that tries to get us to f**k up all the time and get off track.

And even now, as I’m writing this, my head is still going crazy and I’m still on the verge of tears. That’s what those wounds feel like. That’s why they are buried so deep because it’s too painful to let them up to the surface.

The truth is I probably wouldn’t have ever thought to say what was said to me to someone else. It’s not in my nature. But I can’t really be mad at them for it. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful and they don’t know me well enough to know how deep that cut really is (and honestly, some people I consider my closest friends still manage to say things to me that do the same thing so you just never know when those zingers are going to hit).

The truth is I’m a grown woman and this wound was formed when I was a very little girl and it’s probably time to tackle it once and for all. I know that. Intellectually I really do know that. And I’ve been trying the last few months to get to a healthier place in my mind about it; so that I could heal that pain and do the right things from the purest place I have inside – so I’m not reacting and overreacting and taking it all out on myself like I have been.

But it’s really hard.
I didn’t expect it to be easy but I didn’t expect it to be this hard either (Coldplay was onto something with that one).

I don’t want to just slap a band-aid on it like it never happened. It happened for a reason. I’m sure it happened to get me to start to value myself more and to stop this horrible pattern. Maybe it happened to motivate me.

I honestly can’t even begin to tell you the whys.
Because right now I’m just raw.
And sad.
And a little disappointed, I guess.
But I think more at myself than the person who said the words.
Which is progress of a whole new kind in my opinion.

In my world, there are no coincidences.

It’s not a coincidence that I heard this today: (this particular issue has been weighing heavily on me for about a week).

It’s not a coincidence that I heard it from that particular person. (Out of all the people in my life right now, the one that could zing me the deepest is this person. They have my attention).

It’s not a coincidence that I’m going to Maine this weekend (I need time out of my element, in nature, with good, sensible people (my family) to get my head on straight about a lot of things).

On a high note, I know I’m changing and that’s a good thing.

I know I’m changing for the better because I want to cry and just let it out for a change; instead of stuffing it down or numbing it out the way I have been my entire life.

I know because I don’t want to hate the person who said those words to me; because somewhere inside I realize that they said it to help me and that maybe, someday I will thank them for it.

I know because I am sort of starting to see what my worth really is and it’s powerful and big and passionate and even though it scares me half to death almost all the time, I’m finally starting to slowly feel like I can take steps to bring that poor little girl that got so hurt all those years ago, out into the world stronger then ever before so she can rise above her pain and let it fall away and let her soul fly free the way it wanted to from the beginning before tragedy struck.

I’m learning that I don’t think big enough and I settle too easy.
I give away too much to other people and don’t speak up enough for myself.

It’s time to think bigger.
It’s time to heal some old wounds.
It’s time to stop measuring my worth outside of myself and treat my body the way it deserves to be treated – like a temple. Like a goddess.

Like the rocket ship that will take me to the most amazing worlds waiting out there for me to be brave and take that first step into the great unknown.

UPDATE: So, I wrote this blog this morning while at work because I can’t access blogs from our work computers. I came home tonight and decided to actually talk to my mom about this whole thing (I don’t reach out to my mom as much as I probably should because I’m stubborn).

Anyway, I told her what my friend said and she turned to me and said, “You know, that’s probably the best kind of friend you can have because they didn’t just gloss over the truth to make you feel better. They said something hard because they know what you could be deep down inside.”

Hearing those words only confirmed what I’d already known from the moment that pain struck this morning: It’s the truth.

The hard truth.
Tomorrow I will be sure to thank this friend and then find a way to forgive myself and make some changes.

All in a days work, my friends...