You know that feeling when something inside is completely pushing you toward some deep, unknown something but you just have NO IDEA what it is? Yea, that’s been in my gut the last week. It’s been a welcome feeling because I feel like I’ve been so completely disconnected from myself for months, like I’ve been on this strange time-travel trip and didn’t realize it or something; some kind of dream world.
I know that’s not completely true though. I made a lot of choices over the last few months that I clearly remember making only, looking back, I feel like I was hijacked or something – sort of aware of things but not really (yea, I don’t know what I’m talking about either!).
ANYWHO - I’ve been taking this Buddhist class and last night’s lecture was all about being conscious and I guess basically that’s what has been on my mind today. I figured out what it feels like when I’m not making a conscious decision vs. what it feels like when I am. Frankly, I consider that a HUGE accomplishment; like I’ve been let in on a secret that only a few thousand people probably take the time to figure out.
I can now ask myself: Where is this decision coming from? How does it feel?
And actually get a true (honest to goodness) answer from myself. Total trust and self-love. It’s great!
And with that realization after a few months of disconnection, I get that fire back in my belly telling me what’s important, what to fight for, what to give my time to, and what to look out for. It’s a pretty good gift to have back. In fact, I didn’t even know I was missing it until I got it back and now I’m not sure how I managed to go through life for those weeks without that feeling.
It’s the most perfect internal compass.
There just isn’t much to fear when that radar is turned on.
And you know that feeling of excitement that sometimes flitters into your stomach at total random and makes you want to hug the person next to you because you feel so GOOD for a change and for no real reason? Yea, that feeling comes back full force when that internal compass comes back on even when nothing has changed in your life externally.
That shift has to happen on the inside first. Once that happens…you’re in. You’re golden. You’re on your way. I guess that’s what I feel like the last few days.
I’m on my way.
And it’s about friggin’ time!
I know that’s not completely true though. I made a lot of choices over the last few months that I clearly remember making only, looking back, I feel like I was hijacked or something – sort of aware of things but not really (yea, I don’t know what I’m talking about either!).
ANYWHO - I’ve been taking this Buddhist class and last night’s lecture was all about being conscious and I guess basically that’s what has been on my mind today. I figured out what it feels like when I’m not making a conscious decision vs. what it feels like when I am. Frankly, I consider that a HUGE accomplishment; like I’ve been let in on a secret that only a few thousand people probably take the time to figure out.
I can now ask myself: Where is this decision coming from? How does it feel?
And actually get a true (honest to goodness) answer from myself. Total trust and self-love. It’s great!
And with that realization after a few months of disconnection, I get that fire back in my belly telling me what’s important, what to fight for, what to give my time to, and what to look out for. It’s a pretty good gift to have back. In fact, I didn’t even know I was missing it until I got it back and now I’m not sure how I managed to go through life for those weeks without that feeling.
It’s the most perfect internal compass.
There just isn’t much to fear when that radar is turned on.
And you know that feeling of excitement that sometimes flitters into your stomach at total random and makes you want to hug the person next to you because you feel so GOOD for a change and for no real reason? Yea, that feeling comes back full force when that internal compass comes back on even when nothing has changed in your life externally.
That shift has to happen on the inside first. Once that happens…you’re in. You’re golden. You’re on your way. I guess that’s what I feel like the last few days.
I’m on my way.
And it’s about friggin’ time!
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