Happiness is a Choice.

Here’s what I think about enlightenment:

When you start to honor yourself, when you start to let the truth sink in little by little by little, you see angels everywhere and strength comes out of the blue.

First of all, I need to mention that in my case, things are moving super slowly. And part of my evolution is to really be A-Ok with the slowness (most days lately, I really am which I think is improvement in and of itself!). I’ve come to terms with the fact that while some people make a decision to change things and in turn, their lives ignite and changes come at them really fast and others (like myself) make a decision to change and every step is a baby step, every corner is turned at a modest 25 miles an hour with small bursts of inspiration thrown in for good measure.

But you know what? I’m totally okay with that.
I’ve come to realize that any progress, no matter how fast or slow, is good process.

Actually – it’s GREAT progress.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a woman in this world. Maybe not even on that grand of a scale, I’ve been thinking about who I am as a woman.

How am I defined?
What shapes me, moves me, nourishes me?
What do I deserve?
What do I aspire to and what can I settle into?
What is inherent and what can be changed?

I’ve been thinking about the women of the world that I admire: Maya Angelou, Kris Carr, Angelina Jolie, Sydney Bristow (ok, she’s fictional but she counts!), Keri Russell, Danneel Harris, Faith Hill, Miranda Lambert, Sally Field, Joanne Woodward, Emma Thompson – all these women for a million different reasons – who speak to me, inspire me, challenge me and encourage me to keep fighting, keep pushing the limits, keep emerging like the butterflies we’re all meant to be.

I’ve been thinking about men and my relationship to them: what I’ve come to expect, how little I’ve accepted, how I’ve lost myself in ideas of romance and not the realities of love.

You know what I’ve learned recently – I like the dirty work! I like the idea of challenge in love, of fighting for something that you believe in, of unending support and cherishing the individuality of another; their quirks, the things that make them unique and genuine.

It’s a travesty in this country that we’ve romanticized romance so much. We’ve caused it to lose its luster, I think. We’ve Disney-fied everything. Give me the nitty-gritty. Give me the flaws!

It’s in the dim light of the movie screen flicker that all of us subconsciously (and not so subconsciously) suck up as truth, we don’t see people for who they really are. We see them as who we want them to be. We compare and contrast.

In essence, we never give ourselves a chance for love!

How can we, when the movie versions are always going to make us feel like we’re falling short? Or that we should be reaching higher? That our partners will always look like supermodels and say the perfect things and make grand sweeping gestures for your attention all the time!

Puhleese!!!

That’s not to say that I don’t expect romance. I just expect my version of romance. Which I’m learning has less to do with gestures and more to do with the people involved. How sexy is it to be with a partner who I can trust with my secrets and my dreams? Who can make me laugh or (even better) who laughs when I inevitably do something ridiculous and dorky (one of my favorite pastimes!)? Who honors my quirks and see my truths and wants to stand by my side through all the times – good, bad, ugly, AND OF COURSE, the sexy!

AND THEN I realized that while it’s all fine and good to be looking for these attributes in another person; it’s completely unfair to my unnamed potential, rockin’ husband to demand that kind of complete rad-ness from him when I’m falling short myself.

The moral: Be the rocking, kick ass, gorgeous, quirky, whole person you expect from others!!

Give as much as you expect to take.

I’m settling in. And like I said, it’s slow. Super slow. Some days I have more clarity than others but its working.

And every day that I honor my truest self and take care of me first, I can feel myself getting closer to meeting my future modern day outlaw of a man.


I was sitting in a meeting this morning. And, let’s be honest, I kind of hate meetings. Especially meetings filled with PowerPoints about Taxes!

But as I was sitting there, instead of fading in and out and letting my energy get sucked out of me with every slide change on the projector, I started visualizing (yay Buddhism classes!).

I pictured this giant ball of white light forming over my head and the top of my head opening up and soaking up all the light so that it filled my entire body. My body instantly got warm and tingly and energized (it was the coolest thing!). And it was okay to be sitting there. It was okay to be where I was, learning about Sales & Use taxes and year end projections.

I was just fine – JUST AS I WAS.

First time ever! I loved it!

I also try another trick (as kooky as it sounds, it works for me so it might work for you). Along the visualization lines, whenever I’m in a situation that’s draining me, whenever I’m around a person who is leeching onto my good stuff, or inadvertently hurting me or making me angry (we all have those people in our lives), if I can’t walk away or be somewhere different and remove myself, I call in my wellness posse!

Everyone’s wellness posse is different.

For me, it’s a group of about five:

I call in Ewan (because he’s been like a guardian angel to me),
Angelina (because she’s not afraid to take chances),
Kris (because she embraces life), Sam & Dean Winchester (because they never stop doing the right thing no matter how scary it is), and my own personal spirit guide direct from the Big G upstairs who I feel is watching over me (because it reminds me that God is always with me and there is a bigger purpose to everything).

You can picture Buddha, Elvis, Tony Hawk, Your mom, your rockin’ mailman (whoever, you get the idea) – anyone who inspires you and reminds you of the most valuable parts of yourself.

I envision them surrounding me. Some just stand near, watching over. Some wrap their arms around me, hold my hands, and whisper in my ear. Sometimes, I just have to picture them standing tall, with their arms crossed, shaking their heads at the madness I’ve found myself in (and that seems to say enough). It doesn’t matter. What matters is they are there and they make me strong and help bring up the power inside so I’m not so easily manipulated by the energy suckers out in the world (of which there are many).

I don’t know. Call me crazy. But I think “whatever works!” and that works for me. It gives me a shot of ‘you know what’s right, girlfriend and DON’T FORGET IT!’

And we could all use a reminder about following our gut.

We could all use a little more of those internal lights inside all of us burning brightly for a change.