Maybe it’s the full moon.
Or the fact that it’s nearing Halloween.
Who knows how that stuff works anyway, really…
But I’d like to think it’s my age. Some things really do get better with age. And for me, that big thing is my intuition.
It’s been rockin’ lately.
I’ve always been a person that ‘strange’ things happened around – I seem to have the ability to meet the most interesting people at the most interesting times (did I ever tell you about the time I met Jesus in a café in Ireland? Or the old man I met when I was just out of highschool who appeared out of nowhere at the bookstore I was working in and who happened to drop knowledge he had no business knowing about me before disappearing completely? - true story! Gone! Vanished into thin air. Who the heck was that guy?)
Never mind all the crazy stories I have from my apartment in Glastonbury! Talk about weird occurrences; sounds, footsteps, things falling off walls, the television changing channels all on its own, a knock on my door at 3 in the morning that woke me out of a dead sleep (and I don’t wake up out of a dead sleep, like, EVER! Bombs could be going off around me and I’m down for the count.) I called out my roommates name and there was no answer so I just went back to bed. When I asked her about it the next day, she said she was in bed sleeping and hadn’t been up at 3 am (hmmmm). That was one of the weirdest places I’ve ever lived.
One of my very favorite ‘strange’ instances was a couple years back when I was driving through traffic and had turned the radio on and the song “your song” by Elton John started right up. I love that song because I’m a huge fan of the movie Moulin Rouge and every time I hear it, I think of Ewan McGregor (anyone who has been following this blog knows that he has particular significance to me). Anyway, so it was March 31st (which I happen to know is Ewan’s birthday) so the song came on and I kind of smiled at the nice little moment where I got to say “happy birthday” while “your song” was on the radio.
But in a strange twist of fate, at the very same moment all this was happening in my head, this car sped by me in the right hand lane (so fast that it shook my car and I was forced to look at it as it passed by because it was so unexpected). And you know what the license plate said?
Ewen.
That’s it.
Just Ewen.
How weird is that?
I don’t know why that stuff happens or what any of it means and honestly, I don’t really care. Personally, to me, it just signifies a unity between me and some other world out there; sort of like a little pat on the back or a ‘hello’ or acknowledgement that I’m not alone, that I’m on the right path, that someone is watching me.
And I’m comforted by that thought.
In fact, when I go through weeks where I don’t get those nudges, I hate it. I feel really adrift somehow. Like I’m stumbling around in the dark.
I like the encouragement. I probably don’t need it the way I think I do, but I like it. I sort of count on it actually.
And maybe the Big G. (as I like to call him), I don’t know, maybe he knows that I’m one of those children that need a little extra encouragement.
I’m also a person that has the craziest of all crazy dreams. I’ve had vivid dreams my entire life. I remember having them as a child even. And I’ve talked about it a bit on this blog. Some of them have changed my life in pretty big ways as well.
A couple times (and I mean only literally – 2 times in my entire life so far) I’ve had dreams that actually predicted something. My favorite of those stories was a few years back…I had just gotten into the show Supernatural and the first season was just about to end. A week before the finale, I had a dream involving the characters on that show that was so vivid and real and kind of horrific that I told both my sister and my best friend about it (who both thought I was a little crazy by the way).
A week later, my sister and I are watching the show, completely involved in the story line and suddenly she turns to me and says, “Wait, this looks kind of familiar…isn’t this your dream?” My heart kind of stopped. It WAS my dream. I had dreamed the finale a week before I saw it. That was the first time that had ever happened. (And I have no idea why it happened with something as trivial as a TV show but again, who knows how this stuff works, right? It would be cool if I could predict some lottery numbers though J )
Lately, I’ve started having some interesting changes to my dreams. I rarely dream about people that I know. Almost never. Most of the time, I’m dreaming about myself in strange situations but I’m usually alone or with people I don’t recognize or actors or musicians who I don’t actually know personally but who mean something to me iconically. So, when I do dream about friends or family, I pay closer attention.
I’ve been dreaming about a friend a lot over the last couple months. And they are different dreams than I’ve ever had. For one, I only seem to have the dreams on the nights after I’ve spent time with them (which makes some sense because they’d be on my mind). And in the dream, they are always, ALWAYS doing horrible things to me or horrible things around me.
When I first started having the dreams, I was usually just a victim; like I was stuck there and would be forced to see things and hear things that I didn’t want to see and hear.
Last night though, the details were similar but I changed. I wasn’t as much of a victim this time. I found a way to get out of it and tried to escape (not entirely successfully but I hadn’t ever tried to escape before).
I guess I’m sharing this story because I’ve never had dreams so specific to one person before, repetitive kind of dreams like this. That’s what I mean about not feeling alone in the world. Believe what you want about any of this but I feel like someone, something (whatever), is definitely trying to make sure I understand exactly the effect this particular person can have in my life if I constantly act like a victim.
To quote last week’s Supernatural episode (yup, can’t help myself - those boys drop wisdom sometimes):
“It’s a slippery slope, brother.”
I sort of feel like that. It’s a slippery slope with this person. And my dreams are there to help me see that and they’ve been there from the beginning, almost instantly from the moment I starting spending any time with this person. I feel like I have some kind of watch dog sitting there in the dark…they let me do my own thing 99 % of the time but when I start to get too close to the fire, they make damn sure I know what I’m heading into.
That kind of rocks my socks.
My last post kind of just ‘touched’ on that feeling in my gut. Since I’ve started writing again, that feeling has come back and it’s been full force.
I spent so much of my 20s feeling lost and adrift in the world; feeling like I believed in a God but fighting him every step of the way, challenging him, blatantly refusing to listen to the messages I was getting, ultimately believing that what I was feeling (what I wanted) was right above all else because I didn’t always like what my gut was telling me.
I’ve learned now to LISTEN. I’ve learned what truth feels like and what those lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better feel like. You what I’ve noticed in my case? Any decision I make that has raw emotion behind it, is usually the WRONG decision. I used to think the opposite way; if it had raw emotion, if I couldn’t live with it or without it, it HAD to be the right thing, my destiny, the best decision that I could make for myself. In truth, those were always the decisions that blew up in my face.
And hard.
In truth, the real clue to a great decision is TOTAL PEACE. It’s not a slap in the face or a deep longing or gotta have this or I might die, kind of feeling. It’s a tug. It’s a whisper. It’s consistent and it’s small. There is no pain or longing or desire. It’s there, just as it is, resting inside until you wake up enough to trust it and feel it. It doesn’t want you to die without it because you already have it inside, as a part of your destiny; it’s simply just waiting for you to catch up and ride the wave instead of fighting the current all the time.
My writing – it’s a wave. It’s a nudge and a wink and a tug. It’s always there but it’s not a deep longing. It just is. It’s a part of me and it’s waiting for me to stop fighting the current.
I’ve felt back in the flow lately. I’ve picked up my pen and started again.
What kinds of things do you long for? Fight against? What kind of things just are?
Those are the things to fight for.
That is your destiny.
And mine.
See you on the other side, my friends.
Or the fact that it’s nearing Halloween.
Who knows how that stuff works anyway, really…
But I’d like to think it’s my age. Some things really do get better with age. And for me, that big thing is my intuition.
It’s been rockin’ lately.
I’ve always been a person that ‘strange’ things happened around – I seem to have the ability to meet the most interesting people at the most interesting times (did I ever tell you about the time I met Jesus in a café in Ireland? Or the old man I met when I was just out of highschool who appeared out of nowhere at the bookstore I was working in and who happened to drop knowledge he had no business knowing about me before disappearing completely? - true story! Gone! Vanished into thin air. Who the heck was that guy?)
Never mind all the crazy stories I have from my apartment in Glastonbury! Talk about weird occurrences; sounds, footsteps, things falling off walls, the television changing channels all on its own, a knock on my door at 3 in the morning that woke me out of a dead sleep (and I don’t wake up out of a dead sleep, like, EVER! Bombs could be going off around me and I’m down for the count.) I called out my roommates name and there was no answer so I just went back to bed. When I asked her about it the next day, she said she was in bed sleeping and hadn’t been up at 3 am (hmmmm). That was one of the weirdest places I’ve ever lived.
One of my very favorite ‘strange’ instances was a couple years back when I was driving through traffic and had turned the radio on and the song “your song” by Elton John started right up. I love that song because I’m a huge fan of the movie Moulin Rouge and every time I hear it, I think of Ewan McGregor (anyone who has been following this blog knows that he has particular significance to me). Anyway, so it was March 31st (which I happen to know is Ewan’s birthday) so the song came on and I kind of smiled at the nice little moment where I got to say “happy birthday” while “your song” was on the radio.
But in a strange twist of fate, at the very same moment all this was happening in my head, this car sped by me in the right hand lane (so fast that it shook my car and I was forced to look at it as it passed by because it was so unexpected). And you know what the license plate said?
Ewen.
That’s it.
Just Ewen.
How weird is that?
I don’t know why that stuff happens or what any of it means and honestly, I don’t really care. Personally, to me, it just signifies a unity between me and some other world out there; sort of like a little pat on the back or a ‘hello’ or acknowledgement that I’m not alone, that I’m on the right path, that someone is watching me.
And I’m comforted by that thought.
In fact, when I go through weeks where I don’t get those nudges, I hate it. I feel really adrift somehow. Like I’m stumbling around in the dark.
I like the encouragement. I probably don’t need it the way I think I do, but I like it. I sort of count on it actually.
And maybe the Big G. (as I like to call him), I don’t know, maybe he knows that I’m one of those children that need a little extra encouragement.
I’m also a person that has the craziest of all crazy dreams. I’ve had vivid dreams my entire life. I remember having them as a child even. And I’ve talked about it a bit on this blog. Some of them have changed my life in pretty big ways as well.
A couple times (and I mean only literally – 2 times in my entire life so far) I’ve had dreams that actually predicted something. My favorite of those stories was a few years back…I had just gotten into the show Supernatural and the first season was just about to end. A week before the finale, I had a dream involving the characters on that show that was so vivid and real and kind of horrific that I told both my sister and my best friend about it (who both thought I was a little crazy by the way).
A week later, my sister and I are watching the show, completely involved in the story line and suddenly she turns to me and says, “Wait, this looks kind of familiar…isn’t this your dream?” My heart kind of stopped. It WAS my dream. I had dreamed the finale a week before I saw it. That was the first time that had ever happened. (And I have no idea why it happened with something as trivial as a TV show but again, who knows how this stuff works, right? It would be cool if I could predict some lottery numbers though J )
Lately, I’ve started having some interesting changes to my dreams. I rarely dream about people that I know. Almost never. Most of the time, I’m dreaming about myself in strange situations but I’m usually alone or with people I don’t recognize or actors or musicians who I don’t actually know personally but who mean something to me iconically. So, when I do dream about friends or family, I pay closer attention.
I’ve been dreaming about a friend a lot over the last couple months. And they are different dreams than I’ve ever had. For one, I only seem to have the dreams on the nights after I’ve spent time with them (which makes some sense because they’d be on my mind). And in the dream, they are always, ALWAYS doing horrible things to me or horrible things around me.
When I first started having the dreams, I was usually just a victim; like I was stuck there and would be forced to see things and hear things that I didn’t want to see and hear.
Last night though, the details were similar but I changed. I wasn’t as much of a victim this time. I found a way to get out of it and tried to escape (not entirely successfully but I hadn’t ever tried to escape before).
I guess I’m sharing this story because I’ve never had dreams so specific to one person before, repetitive kind of dreams like this. That’s what I mean about not feeling alone in the world. Believe what you want about any of this but I feel like someone, something (whatever), is definitely trying to make sure I understand exactly the effect this particular person can have in my life if I constantly act like a victim.
To quote last week’s Supernatural episode (yup, can’t help myself - those boys drop wisdom sometimes):
“It’s a slippery slope, brother.”
I sort of feel like that. It’s a slippery slope with this person. And my dreams are there to help me see that and they’ve been there from the beginning, almost instantly from the moment I starting spending any time with this person. I feel like I have some kind of watch dog sitting there in the dark…they let me do my own thing 99 % of the time but when I start to get too close to the fire, they make damn sure I know what I’m heading into.
That kind of rocks my socks.
My last post kind of just ‘touched’ on that feeling in my gut. Since I’ve started writing again, that feeling has come back and it’s been full force.
I spent so much of my 20s feeling lost and adrift in the world; feeling like I believed in a God but fighting him every step of the way, challenging him, blatantly refusing to listen to the messages I was getting, ultimately believing that what I was feeling (what I wanted) was right above all else because I didn’t always like what my gut was telling me.
I’ve learned now to LISTEN. I’ve learned what truth feels like and what those lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better feel like. You what I’ve noticed in my case? Any decision I make that has raw emotion behind it, is usually the WRONG decision. I used to think the opposite way; if it had raw emotion, if I couldn’t live with it or without it, it HAD to be the right thing, my destiny, the best decision that I could make for myself. In truth, those were always the decisions that blew up in my face.
And hard.
In truth, the real clue to a great decision is TOTAL PEACE. It’s not a slap in the face or a deep longing or gotta have this or I might die, kind of feeling. It’s a tug. It’s a whisper. It’s consistent and it’s small. There is no pain or longing or desire. It’s there, just as it is, resting inside until you wake up enough to trust it and feel it. It doesn’t want you to die without it because you already have it inside, as a part of your destiny; it’s simply just waiting for you to catch up and ride the wave instead of fighting the current all the time.
My writing – it’s a wave. It’s a nudge and a wink and a tug. It’s always there but it’s not a deep longing. It just is. It’s a part of me and it’s waiting for me to stop fighting the current.
I’ve felt back in the flow lately. I’ve picked up my pen and started again.
What kinds of things do you long for? Fight against? What kind of things just are?
Those are the things to fight for.
That is your destiny.
And mine.
See you on the other side, my friends.
1 comments:
I have you blog marked in my faves and realized I couldn't recall the last time I visited...or frankly - even who you are or how I go the link! Then I see you're one of the CLS folks :) That must be how! I read your post and wow. Interestingly a lot of it was pertinent to me. Glad I re-found your blog!
PS: I LOVE supernatural...
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