For the last couple days I’ve been thinking about this quote that I heard years ago:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, (and) fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)
Why are people afraid of their own power; their ability to shine bright and chase life? Is it because we are taught to be submissive at a young age; parents constantly silencing their children’s voices so they don’t manipulate situations that aren’t all about the children? I can see the logic really. It’s a balance teaching your children that the world doesn’t revolve around them, so they aren’t socially awkward or social bullies. I do get that. But at the same time, are you also teaching them to be afraid of their own voice?? To not upset the status quo?
I don’t know.
What I do know is I’m terrified of whatever power I might have lurking inside. It’s constant battle of self sabotage vs self love. I do it in almost every area of my life – with friends I play the clown, I back down, I don’t speak up…why? Because I don’t want to ruffle feathers. Because it’s easier to just let things roll off my back than fight for myself. Easier, maybe… but not better. With guys I don’t say what I really want, I put up with behavior that is far less than I deserve. I get walked over (sometimes unintentionally) but walked over nonetheless.
I’m a people pleaser.
There are a lot of girls that have this problem, I know. We want people to like us. And I guess on some levels, that’s a good quality but for me, it’s held me back. It’s kept me stuck. And it’s caused whatever light, whatever point of power inside me – to slowly try and snuff itself out.
I don’t want to do that anymore!
I really don’t.
But like most habits, of which I have many, it’s a tough one to break.
Changing that single-handedly upsets the dynamic of every relationship in my life.
And the biggest one?
The relationship with myself.
I notice that when I get in situations where I’m constantly giving my internal energy away over and over, my external body seems to get bigger and bigger because I’m either eating to compensate or drinking to compensate.
Coincidence? I think not!
It’s all a part of that snuffing out.
Is it part self-punishment for not feeling good enough or being valued enough?
Or is it a way of stuffing down the brilliance inside that is you?
Without that extra padding, that buffer, who are you? Are you easier to read? Are you protected anymore? Are you more vulnerable? Do things hurt more when you aren’t numbed out?
Probably.
But isn’t that what we are here for?
It’s my biggest battle really; stuffing down the light and numbing out in a layer of ‘protection’ from the rest of the world – not speaking up, not being vulnerable, not taking chances.
Inside I am all fire and light. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt it really raging in there. I fear that getting older can put a lid on that fire and make it more difficult to tap into. I know, that my telling it stay down (consciously or unconsciously) isn’t helping. Maybe the light inside finally started listening to me.
And now, ironically – I don’t want it too!
I want to pop the cork. I want it to burst off and shoot into the air and scream: SHE’S BACK. SHE’S HERE. SHE’S READY.
LOOK OUT, Y’ALL!!
No one is going to pop that cork but me. I know that. I’m a 30 year old child right now. A child who’d scared of her own shadow.
Do I do it? Do I dare take off the wrapper? Do I even think of shaking the bottle a little? Lift the cork? Push it up ever so slightly.
BANG!
There is goes.
Now what??
What the hell happens then?!
Will the world fall apart?
What if I lose friends, potential lovers, jobs?
What if I start running marathons, scaling mountain walls, fitting into size 8 jeans?
What if gasp! I’m the sexiest, most mysterious girl at the party?
What if people don’t just like me? What if they love me?
What do I do with that?
How do I handle that kind of change?
Is it everything I say I want? Yup.
But it all scares the bejesus outta me.
It changes everything. And change is scary.
Will people talk about me? Will they not like this person I am? Will it alienate me?
Chances are, the ones that really care about me will stick around no matter what the changes look like. It’s kind of a way of weeding out the ones that are in for the long haul and the one’s that are in it because you make them feel better about their lives but only at the expense of your own.
And also, I will probably make new friends. Friends more aligned with who I am inside. And that would be cool too. I mean, isn’t that what I’ve been saying I’ve wanted?
So why aren’t I jumping at the first chance to embrace change and GO FOR IT!!
Because it’s f*cking hard, that’s why!
Because it’s scary as hell.
Because I might feel things I’ve been afraid to feel.
Does that make it all less worth it? Absolutely not. Probably even more so. But that’s the excuse. That’s the reason for shutting out the light and burying it all down.
The first step, they say, is the hardest.
Step one.
I’ll say it again.
STEP ONE.
That’s all it will take.
When I was a kid I wrote a paper in my 4th grade class (I think. It’s been a while and the grades are blurring). I remember my teacher talking to us about time travel and we had to write a paper extrapolating on the idea that we could go back in time to any time…which time period would we choose and who would we be and why?
I loved this exercise. One because I got to use my imagination which was and (still is) my very bestest friend in the world. And two, because I knew where I’d go and who I’d be. I knew it in a flash.
You know what my 4th grade mind said?
I said would go back to the Old West. I’d own a saloon. Wear big ole cowboy hats with wide brims. And I’d only serve outlaws. No law allowed!
That’s what my childlike, 4th grade heart truly wanted. I wanted to shoot guns and hold up the joint against bad types (the type that wore badges, that is) and ride horses through the dusty streets with no fear.
That person – that’s what my light looks like. That’s what the fire inside is waiting to be.
More of this:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, (and) fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)
Why are people afraid of their own power; their ability to shine bright and chase life? Is it because we are taught to be submissive at a young age; parents constantly silencing their children’s voices so they don’t manipulate situations that aren’t all about the children? I can see the logic really. It’s a balance teaching your children that the world doesn’t revolve around them, so they aren’t socially awkward or social bullies. I do get that. But at the same time, are you also teaching them to be afraid of their own voice?? To not upset the status quo?
I don’t know.
What I do know is I’m terrified of whatever power I might have lurking inside. It’s constant battle of self sabotage vs self love. I do it in almost every area of my life – with friends I play the clown, I back down, I don’t speak up…why? Because I don’t want to ruffle feathers. Because it’s easier to just let things roll off my back than fight for myself. Easier, maybe… but not better. With guys I don’t say what I really want, I put up with behavior that is far less than I deserve. I get walked over (sometimes unintentionally) but walked over nonetheless.
I’m a people pleaser.
There are a lot of girls that have this problem, I know. We want people to like us. And I guess on some levels, that’s a good quality but for me, it’s held me back. It’s kept me stuck. And it’s caused whatever light, whatever point of power inside me – to slowly try and snuff itself out.
I don’t want to do that anymore!
I really don’t.
But like most habits, of which I have many, it’s a tough one to break.
Changing that single-handedly upsets the dynamic of every relationship in my life.
And the biggest one?
The relationship with myself.
I notice that when I get in situations where I’m constantly giving my internal energy away over and over, my external body seems to get bigger and bigger because I’m either eating to compensate or drinking to compensate.
Coincidence? I think not!
It’s all a part of that snuffing out.
Is it part self-punishment for not feeling good enough or being valued enough?
Or is it a way of stuffing down the brilliance inside that is you?
Without that extra padding, that buffer, who are you? Are you easier to read? Are you protected anymore? Are you more vulnerable? Do things hurt more when you aren’t numbed out?
Probably.
But isn’t that what we are here for?
It’s my biggest battle really; stuffing down the light and numbing out in a layer of ‘protection’ from the rest of the world – not speaking up, not being vulnerable, not taking chances.
Inside I am all fire and light. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt it really raging in there. I fear that getting older can put a lid on that fire and make it more difficult to tap into. I know, that my telling it stay down (consciously or unconsciously) isn’t helping. Maybe the light inside finally started listening to me.
And now, ironically – I don’t want it too!
I want to pop the cork. I want it to burst off and shoot into the air and scream: SHE’S BACK. SHE’S HERE. SHE’S READY.
LOOK OUT, Y’ALL!!
No one is going to pop that cork but me. I know that. I’m a 30 year old child right now. A child who’d scared of her own shadow.
Do I do it? Do I dare take off the wrapper? Do I even think of shaking the bottle a little? Lift the cork? Push it up ever so slightly.
BANG!
There is goes.
Now what??
What the hell happens then?!
Will the world fall apart?
What if I lose friends, potential lovers, jobs?
What if I start running marathons, scaling mountain walls, fitting into size 8 jeans?
What if gasp! I’m the sexiest, most mysterious girl at the party?
What if people don’t just like me? What if they love me?
What do I do with that?
How do I handle that kind of change?
Is it everything I say I want? Yup.
But it all scares the bejesus outta me.
It changes everything. And change is scary.
Will people talk about me? Will they not like this person I am? Will it alienate me?
Chances are, the ones that really care about me will stick around no matter what the changes look like. It’s kind of a way of weeding out the ones that are in for the long haul and the one’s that are in it because you make them feel better about their lives but only at the expense of your own.
And also, I will probably make new friends. Friends more aligned with who I am inside. And that would be cool too. I mean, isn’t that what I’ve been saying I’ve wanted?
So why aren’t I jumping at the first chance to embrace change and GO FOR IT!!
Because it’s f*cking hard, that’s why!
Because it’s scary as hell.
Because I might feel things I’ve been afraid to feel.
Does that make it all less worth it? Absolutely not. Probably even more so. But that’s the excuse. That’s the reason for shutting out the light and burying it all down.
The first step, they say, is the hardest.
Step one.
I’ll say it again.
STEP ONE.
That’s all it will take.
When I was a kid I wrote a paper in my 4th grade class (I think. It’s been a while and the grades are blurring). I remember my teacher talking to us about time travel and we had to write a paper extrapolating on the idea that we could go back in time to any time…which time period would we choose and who would we be and why?
I loved this exercise. One because I got to use my imagination which was and (still is) my very bestest friend in the world. And two, because I knew where I’d go and who I’d be. I knew it in a flash.
You know what my 4th grade mind said?
I said would go back to the Old West. I’d own a saloon. Wear big ole cowboy hats with wide brims. And I’d only serve outlaws. No law allowed!
That’s what my childlike, 4th grade heart truly wanted. I wanted to shoot guns and hold up the joint against bad types (the type that wore badges, that is) and ride horses through the dusty streets with no fear.
That person – that’s what my light looks like. That’s what the fire inside is waiting to be.
More of this:
And a lot less of this:
Shine on, y’all!!!!!!
Shine on.
Lucas Reynolds says it best I think on his Pictures and Sounds album:
”Soon, we will rise up like a tidal wave.”
Hallelujah.
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