2008 - It's a Blog!

Definition #4 of Cowboy/girl: An Adventurous Hero

So, it's officially a new year and I've already cried too many times to count.
I know what you're thinking...what a horrible way to start a blog. Well, you're right. But the truth is, this blog is a way to to get some things off my chest and in order to be free, I have be honest. So here goes...

It's 2008 and I've already cried too many times to count. Yikes.
I just turned 30. I just lost my job. And, I'm living with my sister and her family. Don't get me wrong. I love them. But, I'm a modern day cowgirl and cowgirls must roam so this life, right now, this might be killing me. I don't know.

It's a funny thing about a crossroads; you know those moments when every single thing in your life kind of blows up large and proud in your face and your standing in the middle of chaos just trying to catch a breath? That's me. I'm at the mercy of time. And money. Two things I never wanted to factor into my life.

You see, I'm an artist. Once a hopeful artist. Now, a starving artist. Not in that cool, sexy mysterious way either. Yikes again. But the funny thing is, I'm an artist who's never ever tried to make money at being an artist. I've floated around the corporate world for the last six years. And it's bitten me hard in the ass. I always said I'd get out of the business world; always said that after the next expensive vacation and dinner and party that I'd finally leave and be the writer/poet/artist I went to college to be. Six years later, I collected my layoff papers and I thought to myself, okay so...I didn't exactly leave on my own but I'm free! I can go. Yay! And go I did. With a smile and a suitcase and no regrets.

I had a plan. I was going to LA. I was going to finally chase that dream. Only, that dream didn't take me to LA. It took me to West Chester, PA. Wait...say what? You're probably asking yourself how the hell I was headed for CA and ended up in PA. I can read just fine. The thing is, I thought I was being smart. I thought I was heading there to save a little cash and pick up an old college friend and we'd go off together to chase the open road and be poor in LA and drink wine and talk about art and music and watch sea gulls and surfers and eat breakfast burritos. I hitched my star on someone else's wagon. Rule Number One: Don't do that! Four months later, I was right back where I started - back home.

So, I reevaluated. I said, Self....no worries. LA wasn't for you. You probably dodged a bullet. At least you didn't get all the way out there and figure it out the hard way. Stay home. Get a job. And pick up where you left off. So, I moved in with my Sister and got a job with my old boss. Yup. My old Corporate boss. She'd started her own business and had hinted that she wanted me to run half of it. Cool, right? So maybe it's not writing novels and optioning film deals. But, I'd be part owner of a business. No more working for someone else. Yay again!

Four months go by...(what is it about that number?) and it's three days before my 30th birthday, Six days before Christmas and she turns to me and says..."I can't afford you anymore. Today is your last day. I'll pay you for one more week." Just. Like. That.

In writing this now, I can see where I made my mistakes. I probably didn't listen to my heart. Didn't trust myself. I'd like to think that I was just hopeful and put my faith in people but now I think I just didn't know what else to do so I took the easy way out.

Thus, the crossroads - I'm standing right smack dab in the middle of hellfire right now. I'm questioning every single thing I ever thought would make me happy. And I'm sitting on a borrowed couch that isn't even mine. Yea, I've cried. I've cried a lot.

I had pictured myself on a safari on my 30th birthday or driving in a desert Cadillac with wind in my hair and the taste of beer on my lips. Is this life? Is this reality? Or is there more out there that I just haven't even begun to tap into.

I hope so.
Because this isn't living.
This is getting by.
And this restless spirit doesn't function on getting by.
Not anymore.

ps - the IPOD shuffle is my sanity - currently Ray Lamontagne, Little Big Town, Reckless Kelly, and lots and lots of Patty Griffin.