Living on the other side.

I've just read over my last post and realize how achingly drab I sounded. That's life in a dark place. The funny thing about being a 'modern day cowgirl' is that I'm not afraid of the dark places. But admittedly, I like my time in them to be brief to say the least. I have passed through it relatively unscathed but not unchanged. Perhaps that's the best way to handle those times, I think.

If you are wondering, I'm still unemployed. But I'm not unhappy about it. I can honestly say that I have no idea what to do with my days and find that I've been leaning toward the 'lazy' but I've also started reading for the first time in years. Reading and thinking. Not my normal 'too much thinking not enough doing' thought, but real get down and dirty, get to the heart of it thought. Some days I'm better than others but I'm trying to forgive myself that as well.

It feels wrong to allow myself all this time to think. And read. And sleep. But that's why I want to do it. I want to do it until I wake up and feel propelled forward in a new direction. I no longer want to get lost on my own path. I want to seek. I want to find. I want to love. I want to think and hear my own voice. I want to own my life and not be steamrolled by it anymore. And I think, for once, I am going to try to take all the time I need.

On that note...
I think I'd like to start a book club. And maybe learn to ski. And learn french. And apply for a Masters program next year. And get outside. And breathe....

Woke up this morning humming all the songs of Dierks Bentley. I wonder what it is about his rambling, riled melodies that are haunting me?