Meet Mr. Hawk

This is what I saw during my bike ride this afternoon and caused me to stop moving and stare for a full ten minutes.

Unbelievable!

Summer in New York City?

To be or not to be?

Because I've been hitting brick wall after brick wall with finding crappy corporate jobs in my lovely home state, I've had to use my brain (to think!) and try to find another way to pursue a life that is more aligned, not only with my educational backround, but also with the things in this world that get me jazzed, get me excited.

I'm exploring the idea of getting a summer internship in the beautiful City of New York.

Film, Publishing, Art?

The world is my oyster!

Sometimes you need to take risks to make changes.

No more thinking.

I am simply doing.

Hello Big Apple!

Reccuring Dream

So, I felt compelled to write about this because I've had this dream so often lately and for a while now and last night's dream was very intense and intricate and complicated.

In various periods in my life I've had recurring dreams.

The thing about my dreams is that they always have different details and different settings but the themes reappear over and over again. In other words, the details change but the thesis is the same.

I used to have dreams (in my early twenties) where I would be wandering Big, Huge houses filled with stuff. Sometimes people would be with me. Sometimes I'd be alone. Sometimes something would be trying to get in from the outside. But it was always about me wandering from room to room looking at all the things in the house.

Lately though, I've had dreams about being able to change things with my hands; like when I wave my hands in the air, I can manipulate my environment, change scenes, make things go away, whatever... It started small. I would have a dream and for a second, I was able to do it. But last night, I was doing it through the entire dream.

Some of the details are a little fuzzy now but I remember being in my old bedroom (the room I grew up in) with my baby sister and the room was a mess. And I just lifted my hands and waved them and everything was mended and back in it's place.

Usually I take dreams for what they are worth...moments in time when my subconscious goes a little nuts. But when something reappears like this over and over, I take notice.

Maybe I'm just trying to tell myself that the power really is inside me and only me.

Maybe the magic is a little closer to home than I thought.

:-)

ps - my cousin sent me this awesome Be Good Tanyas video. Check it out...

Crash and Burn.

Ugh.

So, it's been a weird couple days.

I've realized how easy it is to fly high when you have the world all figured out, when the universe seems to be working with you or that lightbulb in your head goes on just long enough for illumination.

But..

What happens when that lightbulb dims?

It's inevitable really. You can't be open wide ALL THE TIME. You can try. You can keep working. You can remind yourself of all the things in this world that are important (and even that is doing more than most people do). Pat yourself on the back. You are an evolved human being.

Every once in a while though, the ego wins.

It starts yapping away and you try not to listen but it gets louder and louder and suddenly your drowning in anxiety and fear and then sadness FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

It's crazy, really.

I know it's crazy.

But it's human.

I've been thinking alot about human-ness today.

It's just as necessary, I think, to let yourself feel the dark as well as the light. Don't drown in it. Don't let it take you over. Try with all your might to stay on the most peaceful path as long as possible but for god's sake...feel it. Get it out! Release!

SURRENDER.

That's what I've tried to do today.

Surrender.

I am your vessel God, Buddha, Spirit (whatever).

I am here because you, she, it, I love me.

I need to be challenged. I need to keep pushing.

I need to not get too comfortable.

That's when we do our best metamorphosis, isn't it?

I came out of the darkness a few months ago and I found light. I can do it again on a smaller scale. We do it every day in some ways, I think.

Fear is a dangerous thing.

It really is.

It can eat me alive sometimes.

I don't have all the answers. I'm doing all I can do.

Now I must surrender and clear my mind and let life fill me up.

I've been trying to control everything all over again.

The windows were starting to close and I panicked.

I'm still panicking.

But here's how this stuff works.

WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS.

If I want more light, love, financial freedom I have to start acting and being a person filled with more light, love, and financial freedom.

Sitting home worrying about not having enough, being on timelines, basking in fear is only going to bring more worry and fear.

So...

I surrender.

And in my human-ness I will keep trying.

Out of love for you.

And for me.

PS -

I just got this 'random' message in my inbox...

"Close? You are SO CLOSE, it's actually painful for those who know...poor 'things'. With bated breath they're withering in anticipation...ROLLING in the aisles. IMPLORING you to stay the course. They can see what lies in the unseen, they know of the coincidences and accidents that are about to be un-sprung...and they know, if you could see these too, you'd be UNSTOPPABLE. WHATEVER you do next...please, think of your fans."

Hmmmm....

Say 'Thank You'.

A great thing happened to me on the way home from Easter dinner today. First of all, it's always a little stressful for me to hang with groups of people (especially family) because I happen to be particularly sensitive to big personalities all together in one room. Sometimes it's a noise issue, sometimes it's just because I'm an Empath and pick up people's energies really, really easy. So I always have to kind of psyche myself up for holidays even though I love seeing everyone. It's a strange dichotomy.


Anyway, during the course of the day, the combination of holiday intense-ness and loads of questions about 'what I'm doing' started to get me anxious. By the time I left, my mind (and Ego) were on the war path. They both wanted me to feel pretty terrible about the direction of my 'careerless' existence right now.


My body started to freak out. My heart was beating faster. My thoughts were racing (not very Buddhist of me, I know). I started to get shades of a dark cloud covering me. And suddenly, I was driving and the sun was setting and the day had been so beautiful that I thought to myself, "uh huh. No way. I'm not going to feel bad when nothing has happened. I need to be present." Not in the past. Not in the future. Right here. Right now.


So, to help me do that (while I was driving), I started to make a list in my head of all the things I was grateful for. It went something like this...


"I am grateful for this sunset."
"I am grateful for the highway."
"I am grateful for the song Ramblin' Man."
"I am grateful for the big green street signs, telling me where to go..."


The list went on and on and on. I mentioned everything I saw and said, I am grateful for...to myself about each one. I think I must've done that for the whole hour and a half I was driving home.


And suddenly, I was right where I needed to be. It stopped feeling like a silly exercise, like a 'lie', and it started to feel honest and real and true. I was present. I was alive. I was happy to be here. And no stupid worries and anxieties were going to stop that from happening.


I reached CT with a feeling like I hadn't let the load sink down on me. I was still happy. Nothing had changed. I will wake up tomorrow, grateful, ready, and willing to get down and dirty and find my place.


It's all I can do.
At least, I'll be present and happy while I do it.

I'm grateful for that too.

Love Letter.

Dear Green Lemonade,

Today we met for the first time.

You are yummy and make me feel fantastic!

Thank you,

Me.

Art

I don't throw that word around lightly. ART.

But I've just watched this film and I cannot get these characters out of my head.

I love dark stories but what amazes me about these characters (especially Briony who in my opinion is one of the best, most conflicted characters I've seen in a long, long time.) is how difficult they are and complicated.

This story makes you want to turn the events around over and over and over and ask yourself, 'would i have done the same?'.

Brilliant!
It's haunting and breathtaking and brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
See the film.
Better yet, read the book!

I'm off to get myself a copy as well :)

ps - the appearance of my favorite piece of classical music Clair de Lun sealed the deal for me, I think.

Seriously, It doesn't get any better than this!

Soulshine Lyrics - The Allman Brothers Band.

When you can't find the light,

That got you through a cloudy day,

When the stars ain't shinin' bright,

You feel like you've lost you're way,

When those candle lights of home,

Burn so very far away,

Now you got to let your soul shine,

Just like my daddy used to say.

[Chorus]He used to say soulshine,

It's better than sunshine,

It's better than moonshine,

Damn sure better than rain.

Yeah now people don't mind,

We all get this way sometime,

Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,

Gonna make it on my own.

Life can take the strongest man,

Make him feel so alone.

Now sometimes I feel a cold wind,

Blowin' through my achin' bones,

I think back to what my daddy said,

He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:

[Chorus]

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,

Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.

A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.

And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

[Chorus]Let your soul shine,

It's better than sunshine,

It's better than moonshine,

Damn sure better than rain.

Lord now people don't mind,

We all get this way sometimes,

Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

---Kinda feelin' this song today. A cool thing happened. I stopped just enough to feel excited again for the first time in a LONG, LONG time. It was a wave, a flash, of feeling really excited about my life as it is. It was a really cool feeling that I'd missed. Welcome back!!

Buds, Blooms, and my Point of Power.

So, as I was walking along the Cheshire canal bike path today (where I happily completed five miles - Yay! Love that nectar of the gods called Sun), I got the first sign of Spring - everything was budding. I even saw bright, green beautiful flower stems shooting up from the frigid soil. It was good to be outside. Never underestimate the power of fresh air to lift your spirits and get you centered.

All those blooms got me thinking.

Everything is waking up.
It seems like perfect timing because that's where I'm at too.

For a whole hour and a half I was exactly the same as the world around me.

It was a cool thing. We were in sync. And it made me smile.

I've started the visualize, intend, action plan phase of 'finding a job' and it has gotten me into a tailspin. Everything about the process brings up my fears. I have posted a million affirmations around my desk urging me forward. "You have a job. You laugh at your job. You make $$ this much money. You are at peace at your job. Your job comes easy because you do the work and then let it go."

These affirmations do help. I'm not sure why but I think more than anything, they remind me of what's important and also, how powerful I am inside. It's hard to feel helpless and out of control when I remember that I have the ability to make things happen, I just have to keep moving forward one step at a time.

My friend Vanessa (my intuitive healer friend), she advised me to set aside time every day to send out resumes and make phone calls and then to let it go for the day once that time was over. So, I've given myself a two hour a day time limit (though I went a little over today). And then, afterwards I can do as I please (like taking a long, long walk for instance).

What was interesting in a 'hmmmm' kind of way, was observing what my mind was doing afterward. I would have waves of 'this is fine. It's already happening. You're doing everything you can' to panic. But the funny thing about the panic is, it's not specific. It's a random, loose flapping feeling of dread. I almost laughed about it as I was walking amongst the blooms because I realized the reason the panic can't get specific like the positive is because it has no business in my life. It just wants to scare me but it doesn't even have a good argument to do it!

So, I continue to be in a battle of wills (though I don't like the term battle because there is always a loser and I don't want to be it!) but I keep sending out the positive vibes, picturing myself in a job that makes me happy, and doing whatever work I am able to get me there. That's all I can ask of myself. Right?

Just as I was about to start this blog, the universe sent me a little nudge in the form of Eckhart Tolle. I've been listening to his podcast on ITunes with Oprah for his new book and there was a question emailed that went something like this, "How do I shed the years of conditioning and distractions in order to hear and feel the moments of stillness?"

He responds, "You don't need years and years to undo years and years of conditioning. We need to learn how to find in our daily life, as often as possible, this point of power in the present moment. If you don't all the old reactions will drag you down. Access the power of the present moment."

Or as my boy Ray Lamontagne says, "Be Here Now."

---Oh, have you ever tried jumping on a mini trampoline to Paul Simon?? You really have to try it. It's the coolest thing! Make sure you shake your hips alot. I dare you to not smile.

The big DETOX.

In every way, I know I am changing.
Not just changing for a day or changing for a fad but changing the course of my life. Forever changing.

I can understand now why I’ve had the last two years in my life. Why I’ve struggled and butted my head against walls and been frustrated and alone and angry. Why I’ve forced changes and gotten lost and been disappointed and tried again. I’ve felt for a long time that these last couple years have been a long, draining succession of loss – losing dreams and friends and homes and jobs (you name it) and for a long time, I let my anger and sadness take over. I was fighting the flow. I was raging against it. Until suddenly I was exactly the OPPOSITE of where I thought I EVER wanted to be and I was forced to really confront myself. Do I want to surrender to the pain or do I want to sink into it and come out the other end and simply ‘see what happens’. I decided to sink. And here I am.

I know I’m literally so much at the ‘beginning’ of my life that it seems weird to already be reflecting but the changes have started and I’m excited as hell. I’ve entered the darkest part of myself, stopped fighting, and realized that the best way to release some demons is to release control over them. So I did. I am doing. It’s happening.

I’m in a state of DETOX (literally and figuratively). It started out as a spiritual/emotional detox (which will probably take years) and now has become a physical detox. I’ve taken on the Raw Foodist philosophy (thank you Soulmate in Life Groove Kris Carr!!), done TONS of research on health and the effect of food, stress, and well, life in general, on your body. Is your body a self-healing machine? You bet your life it is. In every way. We treat our bodies like garbage cans. We work them to death. We feed it the wrong fuel. We berate our bodies mentally (total emotional abuse). The truth of the matter, the minute you start treating your bodies like the temple (I know, its cliché) that it is, it works with you. You have energy in reserves. That dark cloud goes away. There is possibility again.

I’m in the beginning stages of possibility. Like the light bulb is turning on. It’s slow but there is more light every single day. I wish everyone can feel what this feels like (and to think I’m not on medication!).

It started with some Intuitive Energy Healing and the change was so dramatic (almost euphoric for 24 hours) that I started to do some major reading. I started reading books on Buddhism. I started easing up. I started noticing how my body felt in reaction to people in my life, in reaction to food, in reaction to sleep…I was reawakening to a body that I had been keeping numb for the better part of my entire life. One routine day to Blockbuster, I stumbled upon Crazy, Sexy, Cancer a documentary about a 31 year old woman who finds out she has an ‘incurable’ cancer and how she deals with it.

I don’t know why I picked it up. I’m not a documentary watcher really. But something about her standing in the desert with her arms open wide on the cover appealed to me. The minute I started watching, I knew exactly why this dvd entered my life. No. I don’t have cancer and hope that I never know what she had to go through to gain the life lessons she did. But in a lot of ways, the shit in our lives, the things we let mentally tie us down, depress us, make us tired of living – all that crap is our cancer and I’d been living loads of it. And I was tired. I could relate to her sense of despair and helplessness and because I was just starting to open up, I could really see the benefits of her embracing her life (her crazy, sexy, healthy life). I found a guru, another person who understood the cusp of what I was about to do, and now I’m running with it.

Yes.
It’s a HUGE lifestyle change.
But think about it this way…
The life I had before was a bunch of frustration, anger, depression, being lost with some really wonderful though too rare moments of bliss (traveling, my friends and family, great concerts, even some crazy drunken memories). I want the bliss to out weigh doubt. Life is way too short. I’ve known for a long, long time that I wasn’t living the life I really desired to live inside. I tried a million dreams (and shoes) on for size to ‘change’ it. But I was going about it all wrong. It’s not where I am. It’s who I am. It’s how I see the world. I’ve been out of the game, way too long.

But I’m back!
And ready for some rockin’, lovin’, livin’ daily bliss.
Peace out folks…
See you on the other side! :)

While I was reading today I came up on this cool exercise - (inspired, believe it or not, by a David Beckham advertisement). "Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given, then to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is an opinion, not a fact. Impossible isn't a declaration, it's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."

Now try saying that phrase to yourself and replace 'impossible' with whatever you feel holds you back or you're afraid of (words like loss or fear). It really works. I challenge you to not feel better....

The fear response.

So, I've been doing some work with this intuitive energy healer and one of the main things I've gotten from the work is the ability to listen to my body, to listen to it's responses to people and things, and to try and find my inner voice which has been bogged down by years of clutter.

The biggest thing I've gotten from the experience thus far (besides realizing how much we really do create our own suffering and in turn, can create our own happiness) has been my bodies fear response. I live in a constant state of fear - fear of doing the wrong the thing, fear of not doing enough, fear that my inner voice is steering me wrong, fear that the world could be out to get me, fear that my life will stall and I'll have no control over how to get it going again...you name it, i'm afraid of it.

Sometimes it's anxiety. Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes it's just that nagging little voice in my head. I have bad dreams and wake up with this strange residual on me that I carry with me the rest of the day.

So, i have to wonder, where did I learn to be so afraid? Where did that come from?
I'm sure my rocky childhood had something to do with it or watching my Mother's negativity take over her life or having some kids pick on me when I was a little kid, blah, blah. But when do you let that go and just learn to trust? When does that fear stop controlling your life?

Can you learn to ignore it?
Or can you banish it forever?

I guess I'm struggling a little with that today.
I just want to learn to trust myself no matter what.

That's my journey for now....

gratitude.

okay...

So after years and years of reading about gratitude and understanding the concept and thinking it was a great idea for everybody else (but me) in the world, I finally get it. I finally really get why it's important to be grateful for your life no matter what is happening in the details of it all.

I figured out today as I was car dancing to tunes and driving in rush hour traffic, that I am really happy to be here. Just breathing. Nothing has changed in my circumstances except my outlook.

I was the first person to think that was all bullshit. How important could your view of the world be when you're going through such shit day in and day out. But the thing is...the real secret...your outlook IS EVERYTHING! It truly is. It is about YOU giving the power back TO YOURSELF. You are saying 'okay life. I know you're challenging. I know I'm being tested but i love you and i love me and there is nothing you can throw at me to make me think I am not a vital part of the equation."

I am small. The world is so much bigger than my problems. I'm tired of going against the grain - spending my entire life fighting, struggling, yelling, pushing, never satisfied. I'm done. I just want to start going with the current, trusting that my body and mind know exactly the right things to do, the universe will take care of me.

There is a lot to be grateful for. It's such a subtle thing. I haven't graduated to that upward swell in my heart yet but I do think it's a major improvement to look at my niece and nephew, my sisters, the trees, my tiny little car, my curvy thighs, with a sense of peace and wonder and 'yes', thankfulness.

I'm starting to get it.

I am reconnecting to myself.

And I'm much more powerful than I realized.

when you start to appreciate the life you have, you start to see opportunity in the most mundane places.

That's the gift.

You might be missing out.

Dreaming and Scheming.

I have begun a practice.

The practice of healing.

Inside and Out.

No excuses.

Just the moment.

Breath.

Air.

Love.

Forgiveness.

Flying.

Hope.

Laughter.

Well Being.

Well Being! Being Well.

Taking care. Respecting every cell in your body.

Being in the moment. Being grateful.

When you're self imposed suffering clouds your heart, everything good can feel like a foreign country. Reconnection is essential to peace of mind. I have the power to change. I have the power to heal. I have the power to free my soul and finally rejoin the soul that started out pure and waiting and hopeful.

It really is so simple.

You just have to listen.

I am now listening.