a letter to myself

Dear Me....

One day, I hope you can stop and think and breathe just long enough to finally decide what you really want.

There's a danger to being an idea person; to being a person who always wonders and searches and yearns for more.

Every day is different.

Every day you want different.

Every day you allow yourself to be unsatisfied.

If only you could just give me a clue (me, your subconscious) as to what is real in here...what is honest. What you REALLY truly want out of this world.

What is genuine? What makes you smile for all the right reasons and what makes you smile because of habit..because you simply haven't done it in a while...because you're afraid to stop smiling? I mean, what would happen to you then? Would you cry? Would you feel pain? Would you question your choices? Or settle into them?

Sit down, dammit.

Stop.

Listen.

Be brutally honest.

It'll hurt. I promise you that. But then, maybe... you can stop guessing and start trusting. You know the answers.

You want to know what I think?

I think you're EVERYTHING. I think you are here and there. You live in the middle.

Maybe it's the middle that is making you unhappy, dissatisfied, lonely even....

Maybe you have to finally realize that you aren't the middle.

You might be bigger.

How you do think a soul is supposed to feel when you're constantly snuffing out it's breath? Bogging it down. Telling it to stop thinking and feeling. It's wrong. It doesn't know what's right for you...

You want to soar, darlin'?

Well, then SOAR goddamit!

SOAR!

And don't stop until I say when!

There.

I said it.

Love you.

Always.

Me.

ON THE EDGE

IT'S OFFICIAL...i DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL i'M DOING. i don't want to be confused anymore.
is that too much to ask?

Maybe.
Just maybe.

- transformation -

Sometimes it's hard to see the plan when life is chaotic and seemingly so random.

But there is a plan.

There's even a pattern if you look hard enough.

Sometimes it's filled with habits you must break to move forward.

Sometimes it's filled with hidden gems and lessons and gifts that you need to look deeper to find.

But the main thing, ultimately, is just to trust...trust yourself, trust the universe, trust the great spirit you believe in (which ever one you put your faith into) and keep moving on...

Transformation isn't always about emerging changed.

Transformation is sometimes about finding out who you always were in the first place.

"If we are not empty, we become a block of matter. We cannot breathe, we cannot
think. To be empty means to be alive, to breathe in and to breathe out. We
cannot be alive if we are not empty. Emptiness is impermanence, it is change. We
should not complain about impermanence, because without impermanence, nothing is possible"

--Thich Nhat Hanh

......

Dear Grace Hanadarko...

You remind me that life is messy and chaotic and beautiful and tragic and passionate and magical AND in my humble opinion, when done right, completely and one hundred percent unconventional.

Thanks for being a kindred spirit and reminding me that the best worlds (my kind of world) doesn't fit safely in a neatly wrapped box!

Some of us shine brighter. Some of us aren't afraid of the dark.
www.embraceyourgrace.com

Love,
Me.

THE RIGHT PATH

SOME CALL IT JUNK.

SOME CALL IT ART.

I CALL IT BEAUTY

AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

"Gotta get back to the plan. Had my head buried in my hand.

Gotta get back to the man that I used to know.

Gotta get back to what I should,

walking around lost in the woods.

I've been so misunderstood and I've let it show.

Well, I'm on the right path now.

I thought I'd completely forgotten how.

Worried about everybody under the sun.

Gotta take care of Number One.

I'm on the right path now.

Well, I gotta find what makes it click.

Throw it down and make it stick.

It used to be three feet thick not too long ago.

So much weighing on my time.

Losing faith in my prime.

I ain't gonna lose my mind

here I told you so.

Well, I'm on the right path now.
I thought I'd completely forgotten how.
Worried about everybody under the sun.
Gotta take care of Number One.
I'm on the right path now.

I don't care what it cost.

Name the price, I'll take the loss.

I can't take anymore of thinking what I thought.

Well, I'm on the right path now.
I thought I'd completely forgotten how.
Worried about everybody under the sun.
Gotta take care of Number One.
I'm on the right path now.
(hidden track)

Cross Canadian Ragweed.

--- get the album!

P S - THANKS BOYS.

And the circle...it goes round and round...

I'm not sure when it happened...

I'm not sure when I became the person in everyone's life that was supposed to make people feel better?

I'm not sure when I became the person that everyone leans on so they have to worry less?

I wonder when it will be okay for me to choose for myself and only myself.

I see people do it all the time, in their own lives, at the expense of others .

In my own life, people have done it at the expense of me, even.

It was okay for them.

Why isn't it okay for me?

I'm tired of being made to feel like the choices I have to make, the choices I have a right

to make, are wrong. Everyone has an opinion. The world is filled with

friggin opinions. But the thing is, I'm in the position I am in my life

because I cared way too much about the effects that I was having on other people.

And now, now that I have to make a decision again about the direction my life is going;

now that I have to change all over again so that I keep moving forward,

I'm being made to feel badly for it all over again.

I was in this same exact spot last year.

It kills me.

The thing is, this year, I'm tired. And I'm a little angry about it.

This is my life.

No one else's.

I'm unmarried. I don't have parents that will bail me out.

It's up to me. All the time. And only me.

Sometimes that means, I have to make decisions that people don't understand.

But see, most of those people that have opinions are sitting in their comfy

houses, with their spouses who are shouldering half the responsibility,

and who are usually getting some kind of assistance by their parents in some way.

It's easy to throw stones when you're on the other side.

The bottom line is, I think people have been using me.

I don't think they know they have...but they have.

They've used me because I make their lives easier. I'm always

there for them. I will usually sacrifice myself to make someone

else more comfortable and happy.

I'm done doing that.

The only place it has ever gotten me, is right here.

And I've done too much scrambling to fix all the things that have been broken.

And I've been doing it all by myself.

Where were those people when I needed help?

Where were their shoulders then?

Not everything I choose to do in my life will be understood.

In fact, I'm betting on most of the things I do, not being understood.

I'm not a conventional person. I've done things my own way.

I make mistakes and I dig my own ass out of them.

I rarely ask for help. I don't dump my problems onto someone else.

I shoulder the blame.

I always expect that people in my life will treat me the same way.

They don't. I can count on one hand, less than one hand, how many people

are really there for me. REALLY there for me.

I've read enough to know that situations swing around again and again

to teach us things. This situation I'm in now, has swung around over

and over again. And I'm trying to learn the lesson.

The only lesson I think I've learned, is to keep my friends close...

to be honest...(mainly, to myself), live with compassion (I can't change my heart),

and most importantly, follow my heart...even if others don't understand it.

Maybe...

especially if they don't.

Here's my first question: Are you willing to change yourself in ways that would allow you to get more of the love you long for? Here's my second question: If you are willing to change yourself, are you capable of actually carrying out those changes, thereby creating a permanent shift in your identity? If your answer to those two questions is yes, the coming weeks will be prime time to get to work. Now here's my third question: In what precise ways would you have to change yourself in order to get more of the love you long for? Write down or print out your thoughts on a piece of red paper.

FLIGHT

I'm in a rut.
I've been in a rut for a long time now.
But the funny thing is, I'm still moving forward somehow.
I've added momentum even to my stillness.
I just keep taking one tiny step after another after another.
Even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Even when all the numbers and figures and facts seem to tell me not to be hopeful.
Even when I'm not sure why my gut feeling is moving to a place that doesn't seem to make sense.
It's like I've been at the bottom of a long, dark well and these last few months I finally looked up and saw the rope and started to drag upwards even though I'm not quite strong enough to take leaps.
I'm getting there.
I'm definitely getting there.


I started reading the PH Miracle this week.
I'm absorbing so much about the effects of food on our mood.
And our health.
I know this.
But I haven't fully embraced it in my life yet and I don't know why.
It's my last major hurdle emotionally.
I've backtracked a little bit and I'm feeling the effects.
On my anxiety. On my depression (or my tendency to be depressed). On my need for socialization (I become much more of a hermit when I'm not healthy).
I know all this and yet I still haven't taken the steps that I know will make me feel better.
What is that?
What is that all about?

And everytime I try meditating as a way of calming all this chatter, I fall fast asleep.
Ugh.
The rut, man.
The rut is trying to keep me pinned down.
It's okay though. That's one thing this practice has taught me.
I'm not going to fight the rut. I'm going to let it run me down and over and around me
and then I'm going to stand up and step over the debris and move forward.

Momentum.
Gotta keep it going.
and going.
and going.
and going.

LIBERATION DAY - LET'S CELEBRATE -

My dear friend Kris Carr (she inspires me everyday) posted a message on her blog this morning (crazysexycancer.blogspot.com) and once again, her post seems to correspond with exactly my emotions this week (she has a funny way of doing that!).

I find it funny that I usually only feel compelled to write when I'm in a higher place, a place of hope and excitement or a place of sadness and desperation...but what about that middle ground?

I think I try to ignore the middle ground. I'm a passionate person. I like extremes. I love when emotions are flowing and kicking up a little dust, whichever direction they are going.

And the middle ground puts me in a funk. Maybe it's my crazy sexy way of keeping things out of the middle ground but either way it sucks. I've been living in the middle ground this week and I've been conflicted about it.

I second-guess myself in that place. I start to dream outside of myself. I start to think I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to. My health suffers (I am tackling that issue at my Energy session tomorrow, thankfully!!), I doubt. I feel wrong. And there is no reason for it. It's the shackles I've placed on my own mind. A way to shuffle the perfectly stacked cards and keep doing work instead of trusting that they are laid down right where they are supposed to be and for a very good reason.

So, I did my usual morning web surfing and read up on Kris's page that, she too is in the midst of change. She too, has been questioning and loosening up the reigns and letting things slide. (Yes, Heroes do that too!).

Let me quote some of her post because she can say it better than me:

"Today we celebrate the famous right of "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Traditionally we take this time to meditate on our successes and failures as a nation. But it's also an opportunity to think about our own bodies and spirits as a sovereign state - a glorious, growing, frontier country.I sit here and ponder while flag-waving, fireworks, and cookouts crank up the day. While many consume hot dogs, burgers, sodas, beers, cigs, weed, and pepto bismol, how will I make this day SACRED and personal without feeling left out? What do I want to be free of? What invisible shackles bind me and keep me from expressing my authentically groovy divinity?"

So...what has been binding me?? I think it's time to make my own DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE LIST.

1. Suffering - unnecessary projection of pain into my life purely because it's been a habit. Be gone, suffering! Be gone! (life is good).
2. Crutches - I've gotten rid of so many internal crutches...big, HUGE things that have held me back but somehow provided comfort. I still have one left (food, ugh..) and it's the BIGGEST but it's time to let it go and release into the flow... (no more wasted time).
3. Walls - too many walls when it comes to love. Too many rules. I want to bust open the flood gates and sail down into the Falls and see what happens. (I deserve love too).
4. Dis-Trust - I have to stop feeling like the world isn't here to give me my dreams. I have to trust in the process and stop fighting it. I'm close, so close...
5. Hibernation - It's funny because I have roommates that would say I do way too much. And they are right! I'm never home anymore. But at the same time, I'm going through the motions. I have to clear away the debris and take giant leaps into unknown territory - LIFE, man...Life.
6. Life in some Future somewhere - this is a ginormous one for me! Live in the moment, girl! No more life in an unknown planet in my mind. It's right here, right now. Only I have the power to change it but I can't change it until I'm grateful for the here and the now. (get grateful).
7. Practice, Practice, Practice - This is another biggie. This is what I've learned about myself this year. I need structure. I need a plan when it comes to my body, my health, my mind. I spent my 20s living free from structure, fighting it...I thought I was going with the flow but I was creating ripples and odd currants... I need a meditation plan, a nutritional plan, a spiritual plan. It's in the structures you learn to let go and then you can live your life. (I need to get off my lazy ass, folks).

I think that's it! What's in your list???

PS - Change is in the air. Can you feel it?? Get on the bus, people. Get on the bus.