spunk

Spunk.

I’ve got it.
In spades.

Sometimes I think it’s a curse, you know? Because I’m so many different things to so many people. Because I’m strong willed and opinionated and different. Because I can hang with the guys and still manage to love all my girls too.

Guys have always been intimidated by me. I used to come on too strong. Lately I don’t come on strong enough. There have only been a precious few who have seen me for who I truly am inside, who took a chance on a girl who had something real going on, who wanted an adventure in their lives instead of candy on their arm. A partner. A friend.

No games.
Just good honest fun

Truth and Love.
My two favorite things.

Those guys.
They are hard to come by.

Sometimes I think I should be different. It started today. For just a second. And then I gave myself a good slap.

I realized today that it isn’t me. It’s never been me. It’s the boys and not the men. It’s the guys who don’t know how to handle a whole woman, have real discussions, a little intensity, a lot of passion, and laughs, laughs, laughs…

That’s who I am. There’s no changing that. And I don’t wan to. I’ve lived a life of lots of change, filled with adventure, and I wouldn’t give any of that away for a try at false stability with someone who could never understand the kind of fire that burns inside me. It’s fake. That’s why there are so many miserable people in the world.

I got excited again today thinking of the kind of guy it’s going to take to turn my head. The kind of man.

He’s out there.
I know it.
I’ve been dreaming of him my whole life.

And he’s on his way.
Soon.
I can feel it.

I’m not even sure where to begin!

First of all, I need to start by saying I’ve always been a spiritual person. I grew up with a healthy curiosity about spirituality. My very first songs that I ever learned were Bible songs. My mom always said that I embraced learning about the bible and loved going to bible school.

Shortly thereafter when life came crashing down on us, my mom decided that the church wasn’t there to help us (and she had every reason to believe that based on the circumstances) and we stopped going. We stopped reading the bible. And we moved on.

But she never stopped talking about God. In fact, she used to talk about him a lot. Whenever we had questions about him or heaven or Jesus, she would sit us down and talk about what she believed and tried to make it clear that we didn’t have to believe what she believed, this just happens to be her experience. She encouraged me to read about it and explore it on my own.

Around the time I was a teenager, I started to wonder about reincarnation and Universal energy and fate and all those new age concepts and I read books insatiably. A lot of it made sense to me. I embraced it. But being as young as I was, I took the ‘magic’ in the literature and expected the world to open up and make my life easier – to drop huge miracles into my lap and when I didn’t get the things I wanted, I didn’t understand why the miracles happened to everyone else but me.

I spent the majority of my early 20s having a giant pity party for myself and making LOADS of bad choices and wondering why things weren’t working out as I wanted it to.

The last half of my 20s I’ve started to take more responsibility for my actions and my place in the world. I started talking to God and tried to stop asking for so much. Started asking for help. Started having a dialogue. And I’m pretty sure he talked back all the time. I just ignored it, over and over and over again.

Something happened when I turned 30. Well, lots happened. Life crashed in on me and broke everything apart and made me start from scratch (see previous blogs…) and in doing that, I had to stop going and going and not listening and then start listening and being and asking questions I never really wanted the answers to before.

There’s two things I’ve learned lately. One is the importance of taking responsibility. And two, I learned this one just today, how important it is to act with love ALL THE TIME and go with God.

Go with God.

That’s a new phrase for me.
Brand spanking new.
And I can thank my spiritual guru and best friend, Lauren for helping me see the light on that one…

What does it mean to Go with God?

It means to let him in.

It means to always act with love in your heart even when you believe you’ve been wronged.

It means to follow your heart and trust that your instincts are always going to lead you home, even when you can’t see the pattern yet.

I received a great, big lesson in love last night both from and about God and from and about men in my life…

I discovered something about someone that I believed was one way and became about something else. I wanted to be angry. And I shed a few tears of disappointment.

But then I woke up this morning and I felt God’s arms around me and I realized that this person was human, just like you…just like me. He made a mistake. He’s got his own demons to battle (as do we all) and making him feel badly for something he already has to live with every single day isn’t living with love. It’s the opposite.

I don’t want to bring more pain into the world. There’s enough of it already.

He didn’t hurt me. He hurt himself. And that makes me sad. It makes me sad because I’ve been there. It makes me sad because so many people in the world do things to hurt themselves because they are searching too; because they haven’t started listening to their hearts yet.

And then I thought, this friendship has brought so many things to my life in just 3 short weeks. It’s taught me about boundaries. It taught me to remember and truly start to believe in my own self worth, in what I deserve in life. And, this one is the biggest surprise of all, and I’m just now realizing it…I’ve learned to love.

I could’ve come into work this morning and given him the cold shoulder and tried to ‘teach him a lesson’ about consequences and how it isn’t fair to treat people badly blah, blah…but you know what, he knows that already. It’s not my job to be his disciplinarian and honestly, it's totally self righteous to assume that my way is the only way when it comes to people.

It’s my job to love.

So, I reached out and (surprising even myself), I apologized for stirring things up and butting my nose in where it didn’t truly belong. I wasn’t involved in this. I was hurt, yes. But it wasn’t about him. It was about me. And adding to the drama by punishing him because I was hurt wasn’t the answer. I reached out. And saved our friendship. And it feels good.

Maybe fighting back with love is always the answer.

Maybe that’s God working through us.

I think he’s really proud of me today.
I think he’s saying, Welcome back, my girl. Welcome back.

*Progress*

“You can’t just sit around waiting for them…you gotta will them into existence” Lucas Reynolds on writing songs.


Inspiration.
I find inspiration in the strangest places.

I had a moment this weekend when the light bulb went off. When I suddenly realized the reason for all my struggles and saw the bigger picture, the pattern, the areas I might have gone wrong or off or beyond my capacity at the time.

I’ve said this before but it’s now slowly sinking in…
THIS IS MY LIFE.

I am a creature of movement.
I am a creature of passion.
I need stimulation. I need movement.
I need bliss.

That feeling…that gut reaction to living life in pureness and hope and grabbing it all by the balls and charging forward even when everyone around looks at you like you’re crazy. Like you’re not in control of your own destiny. Bullshit. Everything I do is my own – good and bad.

And I’m proud of that.
I’m proud of me.

And I’m getting there…one rebellious decision at a time.

I’m a creative person, what can I say? Creative people are never satisfied; are always striving for more but can be blissfully happy in the moment. Yes. I am all those things…

I heard today that happiness means nothing if it isn’t shared…and for the first time I think I understood what that means. There’s a lot of us out there…creative souls who are pushing the envelope to make this world, their world, better. Never settling. Always reaching higher because there is too much about this world to love. There is too much about this life to celebrate.

Lay down and die? I think not.
I say…keep pushing. Keep charging ahead. Keep believing that every single step you take, no matter how hard or how blind it may seem, is leading you toward the sun.

Here’s a video from my friend in creativity Lucas Reynolds (now a part of the band Pictures and Sound).

Kindred spirits. They are everywhere.
Thanks for the reminder Luke!

SPIRIT

Everyone has a guardian angel (or angels).
Some people don’t realize it and they walk through life with blinders on.
Some people get saved by strangers.
Some people get saved by family and friends.
Others get saved by icons that push them forward and remind them of what’s important in life.

I’d like to think I fall in all categories in some ways. I’ve had strangers come out of nowhere and drop wisdom randomly into my lap. I’ve had family and friends time and time again, swoop in and shower me with grace and understanding when I least expect it.

Lately, it seems I’ve been followed around by a few icons and I think they are trying to show me the way (only the way to what I haven’t discovered yet). One time a couple years ago, I was taking a writing class at Wesleyan and had read an excerpt from my novel out to the class. I always get nervous when I read my stuff aloud because I’m my harshest critic and I had worked on this thing (and still am) diligently from the age of 16.

My professor was a rather successful writer in his own right; an aging Italian man from NYC with a very specific taste when it came to what he considered to be quality writing. Mine didn’t fit into that category. In fact, he called it a ‘soap opera’. The funny thing was I wasn’t really that upset. I was able (to a degree) to comprehend that he simply wasn’t my audience.

The clincher was when class was over. Several of the women in class came up to me and told me that they thought my piece was the best in the class and that they wanted to read more. I knew it! I thought…they are my audience!

But there must’ve still been some unrest in my subconscious because I went home that night and went to sleep and in my dreams received a message big enough to cement my conclusions after leaving the class.

In the dream I was in a warehouse, a big hulking warehouse filled with boxes and mechanical debris.

I was in an office, partitioned off by a large, glass wall so I could see into the rest of the warehouse.

There was a large blue screen in front of me (like in the movies) and Ewan McGregor (one of those iconic Guardian Angels for me – see where I’m going with this example?) was in front of the blue screen performing and acting out scenes. I was watching from behind the glass and I kept thinking to myself that I wanted to be doing what he was doing; I wanted to be a part of that too.

Suddenly the dream jumped (as dreams do) and Ewan and I were standing in a room in a building that was filled with rooms. It was an old building. We started walking from room to room and each one was different. Some were filled with people, some were empty; one was set-up like a thrift shop and we were walking through aisles of items on shelves; one was a party where everyone was dressed up in Colonial costumes and holding feathers.

We weren’t allowed to go through without the feathers so we were handed large, soft pink feathers and put them in our mouths as we crossed through. He reached for my hand so I wouldn’t get lost. We came to a door and paused before opening because I knew that there was something behind the door that would try to keep us from entering.

Ewan opened it. Water came rushing out. We waited and walked through when it was empty and ended up in a basement. There was a washer and dryer there and I told Ewan that I wanted to be what he was and he said, ‘all you have to do is practice’ and I looked on my hand and I realized I had lost my diamond ring (which I don’t have in reality) and I looked by the washer and it was lying on the ground sparkling so I picked it up.

Then I woke up.

First of all, dreams are hard to decipher because they are seemingly so random and I try to do so with a grain of salt. But this one was powerful. There was a lot of emotion to it. It felt like it was really happening, like when I woke up I had lived hours and hours and lifetimes of lessons in my sleep and that feeling trailed with me wherever I went for several days after.

I know he was trying to tell me something that night. To keep working. To follow my dreams. To believe in myself. That’s what I mean by Guardian Angels. He’s there when I need him for some strange reason and I don’t even know him (even though I have met him once a few years ago, but that’s another story completely).

And that brings me up to date. Lately, I’ve been getting help from some other iconic G.A.s lately, my boys from the band U2.

Here’s how they’ve slowly infiltrated my life. It all started back in 1998 when I was backpacking through the UK with my best friend from college (Lauren, check out her blog at Laurendeyenno.blogspot.com)…anywho…it was a pretty magical trip for both of us. Lots of life changing things happening; lots of acts of grace. And we seemed to have a soundtrack to that time which was Oasis, the Police, Abba (don’t ask), the Waterboys, and U2.

They were everywhere.
And always during times when it seemed like that moment should be one to remember, almost like highlighting it so we would know for sure. Don’t let this one go…keep this in mind…pay attention!!

Through the years, they’ve continuously been that way for me. But it comes and goes and it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a visit from my boys from Dublin. The last week or so, every time I start my car up, a U2 song is on the radio. Every time I turn the dial, it’s a U2 rock block or I catch the last few riffs from The Edge’s guitar, just enough for me to know it was them before the song changes.

Finally, the other day, I said to my mom that I thought maybe it was an Irish holiday that I didn’t know about because I kept hearing them everywhere and she said, ‘that’s funny. I never catch them on the radio.’

So, last night was Thursday night which always means, weekly - Supernatural night. It’s my favorite show and I never miss it. Not even the repeats. (For those of you who live in a box it’s on the CW network, Thursday nights, 9pm). I’m all ready for SPN and I realize it’s not on. Football is on. Which I like but I wasn’t in the mood.

Finally after surfing the channels, I see that Rattle and Hum is being shown on VHI. I sit and watch. As I’m watching, all these silly questions in my mind that have been playing over and over and over the last few days are starting to get clearer…like I’m being reminded of who I am through their words, through their music. 10 pm rolls around and I see that the making of the Joshua Tree album is next. An entire night of U2.

Okay.
I get it, I said.

I’m listening.
Remember who you are.
Embrace love and go, go, go…
You are a free spirit. Don’t hide it from the world.
You are a firecracker. You are the prize. There is someone out there who will get it…like us…

Thanks Bono and the boys…
Thanks for working so hard to get my attention!

PS - Who are your guardian angels??

the pie in the sky

Life, man...what is it all about?

We fill our head's with so much nonsense about what's important...what equals a full life, time well-spent, a life well lived...

Sometimes, lately most times, I think it's just about showing up.

It's so dangerous to see the world outside of yourself. To always be hoping and wishing for more and more and more. Whatever happened to being grateful for the simple things...getting up every day and having a roof over your head and the freedom to spend (the majority) of your time exactly the way you choose to spend it.

If you don't like your life. Change it!

If you don't like how you feel, do things to make yourself feel better!

It's not rocket science.

And (BELIEVE ME) I'm no expert.

It's just that sitting on this porch listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing through the trees, maybe just today I am one.

It's all in your head's people!

These last few weeks have been all in mine.

It's been hard.

I've gone to some dark places. My health has suffered. My relationships have suffered.

And I wonder sometimes why that happens? Where does the darkness come from? It's a big, dark blanket that at first can feel so comfortable but it quickly starts to suffocate.

I don't like looking at the world through a fog.

I want to see all the colors, I want to feel all the feelings. We live in a society that is built on numbing out - with food, tv, alcohol, even money. If we just buy more stuff, we'll be happy. If we just get the perfect shirt for that overly processed dinner that will make me feel no pain, we'll look perfect and if we look perfect, we'll have to feel perfect...right?

I want to live from the purest place possible.

I've got a long way to go but i think just declaring intention is important.

We need to turn off our minds and start feeling our feelings. It sounds so hokey, I know. It kind of does to me too sometimes. But I think it's true. When I get trapped in my thoughts and they swirl round and round and round I start to drown. The world loses it's luster. And I stop wanting to try so hard because it all seems like too much damn work.

I'm 30 years old.

Just 30.

And I'm only just beginning to understand what I want and how it feels when i spend a day living my life exactly way I want to. Even now as I'm writing, those demons are jumping out at me; flashes in my mind of what isn't right about my life.

It's like they're saying, 'how can you be content when you have this and this and this WRONG with you...'.

But it's about perspective.

They are called demons for a reason.

They aren't here to help you. They want you to go down with them.

They want you to slump your shoulders and simply give up on life.

Claim defeat.

Let it all take over.

I think that I'm one of those people who life waits for.

It's like it's waiting for me to make the first moves.

It's waiting for me to love myself better, to start taking first steps, and start believing in the good.

Words are easy.

Living the words is the challenge.

I've taken some major steps the last couple weeks, even in the darkness of my mind and the world seems to be wanting to open up. It's cresting. It's trying to let me in. But it's waiting too. Like it wants to know what I REALLY want. Like I have to make a decision one way or another and scream it from the mountain tops and then...well...i guess, abundance abounds.

It feels like work because we make it work.
But if we take the time to quiet our minds and feel our way through the world and trust in things even when they aren't unfolding exactly as we had planned, we might get some secrets, some miracles, some acts of grace. They might come from the places we never expected.

They might come from you.
Or me.

I was watching one of my favorite movies yesterday 'A lot like love' with Amanda Peet and Ashton Kutcher. I love that movie for a million reasons but there's a moment in the very beginning when they are both in NY and he's talking about all these plans he's got and how basically he doesn't feel like he really wants his life to start until he's got his career plans all mapped out (which I've fallen victim myself to time and time again) and she stops him and says,

"This is your life. It's happening right now."

And I paused it because I got it. She's right. All those plans...all those things we just have to do before we can start living our lives...we're missing the point.

THIS is our lives.

Every single day, we get up and breathe and go about our business. This is it. This is what we are here for. That big, ole pie in the sky...well, it may come, but I bet you it will only last a second and when it passes (as it inevitably will do), we'll be left wondering where all our time went.

It's such a cliche. "Don't waste your time. Live every day like it's your last."

But timeless cliche's like that one, are around for a reason.

It's the truth.

The day we start appreciating our time, as unromantic as it may seem on the outside, is the day that we figure it all out. The day the grocery store becomes and adventure; our time at the office makes us smile; mopping our floor (with some kick ass music on) isn't a chore, it's a privilege...that's the day, we'll be living our lives.

And I bet the pie in the sky will show up at your door with a big bouquet of flowers wanting to hold your hand.

Try it.

If you think I'm crazy.

Just try it.

And let me know how it all turns out.

I'll be waiting....

:)

One of my favorite moments from the movie...if you haven't seen it...check it out! It's a gem.

Things are brewing.

Right around the corner.

Suddenly things are possible.

Can't wait to see how it might turn out.