CLICK

More and More as every day goes by, I get closer and closer to that ‘click’ in my mind; that thing that triggers great change; that morning I wake up and I’m suddenly unstoppable – the day my heart aligns with my mind and I simply go, go, go…

I found this article on beginnertriathlete.com and it helped light that fire in my belly:

BECOME THE PERSON YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU COULD BE

I admit it was tough getting on my bike the first time, but it was tougher getting back on after I wiped out the first time. And my first open water swim? Let me tell you about my first attempt at an open water swim. I stood in wonder at the water’s edge looking at the jellyfish and seaweed, then turned around and went home without going in. And the run, which my parents still can’t believe comes after swimming and biking?

I love it all.

I love going to the beach to practice swim starts and having beach-goers wonder what the heck I’m doing. I love that people gape at me when I tell them I get up at 4:30 in the morning so I can get a two hour workout in before I head out to work.

I love that I have a fancy (kind-of) road bike that’s so light I can pick it up with one hand (and stuff it into the back of my hatchback). I love looking online for new races and signing up as soon as registration opens. I love talking to people about swimming, biking, running, racing, triathlons, duathlons and the camaraderie I feel with people who understand the craziness and dedication that come with those things.

I love ME, because I am pushing myself far beyond what I thought I’d be capable of. In 2005, I was full of self-imposed limitations. I had an infinite list of things I couldn't do, and a detailed list of excuses to back it all up. I set some goals for myself that year – a set of New Year’s resolutions to sign up for several local running races - which I fully expected not to keep, continuing a long line of failures.

But that year was different. That year I did everything I set out to do and absolutely loved every second of it. So the next year, I decided to push myself a little farther and sign up for a sprint triathlon, and on July 8th 2007, I finally became the woman I never thought I could be.

Tomorrow starts my second season of being a triathlete. I have another sprint on August 24th (my 35th birthday) and my first Olympic scheduled for September 14th. When asked back in 2005 if I’d considering competing in a triathlon, I outlined 100 reasons why I was not capable of something like that. The words I hear most – the words I said myself when someone mentioned a triathlon to me the first time – are “I could never do that.”

Yes you can.

You may not be able to go out and do it today, but if you train and you dedicate yourself to being successful, then you will be. Henry Ford said, “If you think you can…or if you think you can’t…you’re right.”

It’s funny (and kinda cool) that new people I meet think I’ve always been like this. I must really be enjoying it! So if you’re reading this because you’re still not sure, sign up for just one – a short sprint. I’ll bet you next year you come back to write an article about how that one race changed your life.

Maybe you’ll become a triathlete, too.

(I apologize to the author. There wasn't a name on the website to reference).

rest in peace.

Dear Paul,

You showed the world grace, humility, generosity, a passion for risk, integrity and unending humor and style. We lost not only a Hollywood legend this weekend, but an American Icon and to me, a personal hero…

You are already missed.
The world just isn’t the same without you.

xoxoxoxoxo

Solid Ground.

My horoscope for this weekend:

"At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.' All week, we've been quoting Lao Tzu. His teachings are still quoted by those who seek a spiritual life. Because so little is known about him, though, there's not the same personality cult as there is around other spiritual masters. According to some, Lao Tzu was an astrologer as well as a philosopher. But enough about him. What's at the centre of YOUR being? Reach within. Find it. And let your light shine this weekend. "

I like it!

Life is really funny sometimes.
Not funny ‘ha ha’ but funny ‘drive me absolutely bonkers’.
Just kidding. (Well, partly)

I literally was just about to place my fingers on the keyboard to post a blog about how I need to focus and get clear and make myself a priority and build the quiet, peaceful life of my dreams when BAM! I get an email that challenges all of that.

Within seconds of the clear, peaceful thoughts crossing my mind, it’s like God just swooped in and said, ‘oh yea? How bad do you want it?’ and it threw me. I had to take several deep breathes in my friend’s cubicle and chat their ear off for about 20 minutes to set my mind straight.

But that process seemed to work because now I feel like my head is back on straight.
This whole ‘life is a timeline, full circle’ thing is crazy to me. Last year, I was headed out west with big dreams and a full bank account. This year, I’m humbly trying to clean up all my messes and figure out WHO I REALLY AM without those dreams to fall back on. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming big outside of myself and when I lost those dreams, it was devastating. I’m still recovering from it some days, I think.

I feel like I’m starting to walk again but on totally different feet!
And as you can see from some prior posts, I’m not always handling it well!
But I come by it all honestly and I know its part of the process and I’m starting to become okay with all that.

This morning I woke up feeling like I knew what I wanted. It was just a glimmer really – a sliver almost – but it felt genuine. It felt honest and real. It felt tangible for a second. And I had hope back when I thought I’d lost it.

And then I got that email and suddenly I’m sitting here questioning everything. But here’s how I know that I’m changing (even in the chaos)…it all didn’t last very long. I was able to assess the situation (okay, with a little help from some friends) and put it in perspective and see the light just as it is.

M y road is vastly different than I thought it was going to be when I was dreaming away as a little girl and I suppose it’s that way for a lot of people. And there’s a mourning period with that realization. You have to go through the grief of losing the dreams or at least, seeing them change and look different than how you believed them to be.

BUT THAT’S OK.

And that’s what I’m figuring out. My life may look different but as long as I keep looking inward, stop reaching outside of myself for happiness, and stay focused, I can have all that I’ve ever wanted and more.

Here’s a quote from the movie Moonlight Mile (which I LOVE, by the way). Susan Sarandon says to Jake Gyllenhaal who has questioned her about the validity of her marriage to Dustin Hoffman because they are so vastly different from eachother:

“You find your home, and it may not be what you thought - you know; color’s off, style's wrong... but there it is anyway and to hell with you if you can't take a joke.”

For some reason, that has stuck in my mind for years and now I know why. Life throws you curve balls and if you don’t roll with them, the world can look pretty bleak.

But if you start to accept it…
It you go with the flow and figure out who you are within the world you’ve been given…

Anything really is possible.
And to hell with you if you can’t take a joke.

Amen.

Quiet

A couple more weeks and I’ll be in one of the best small towns in America enjoying the ‘much needed’ quiet life. I’ve been longing for this for…well, I can’t even tell you how long. It's a chance for me to get back to myself again. No distractions. Just the Good Life.

Ocean air.
Gulls.
Window Shopping.
Long hikes in the woods – rain or shine (that’s what galoshes are for!).
Glasses of wine in the woods.
Old movies and gourmet popcorn.
Real people who enjoy just being.
Fisherman.
Lobsterman.
Bocchi Ball.
Cold beers in a tiny pub.
Good conversation.
Peace of mind.

Ugh.
Can’t wait.

Can’t you tell??

lost

Do you ever get that feeling that all you’ve been doing is treading water and suddenly you’re tired and you just want to stop trying?

That’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’ve been trying and trying and trying not just for weeks, but months, really – the better part of a year.

I’ve tried Buddha. I’ve tried Jesus. I’ve tried exercise and nutrition and parties and vacations. I’ve tried different jobs and moving houses over and over again. I’ve tried music and movies and sex and meditation. I’ve tried therapy and energy work and alcohol and abstinence. I've eating and not eating. I've tried raging and I've tried peace.

I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING as a way of finding happiness.

And today – right now – all I feel is that I’ve lost the battle.

My emotions are this crazy roller coaster but nothing lasts longer than an hour or two before it changes again.

My red flags are up because I’ve been here before and it’s not pretty. It’s really frustrating when I feel like I’ve worked so hard to not go to this place in my mind and not only am I right back here but I’ve run out of ways to try and get out of it.

And for those of you who are wondering, it’s not just one thing. It’s everything. I hate where I’m at in my life. I thought I’d come to terms with everything and I’ve tried over and over to pull myself up and out but I can’t seem to do it. I can’t seem to get to that supposed light at the end of the tunnel.

I really hate writing depressed posts. I avoid it at all costs. But it seems silly to run from it at this point because I think it’s the running from it that just makes the crash and burn even more difficult.

The not-so-good times are out weighing the good ones. I can’t really remember the last time I was excited about anything. I get glimmers of hope and then it’s gone.

And for me – the worst of it all – is that I don’t remember who I am inside. I haven’t felt like myself for the better part of a year and the last six months even less like myself. I don’t even really know what that happy girl who believed in things and had goals – what the hell did that girl want?

What did she believe in? Where did she go?

Right now, all I want is to get up in the morning and not feel like I’m suffocating. I want to think of the days ahead of me and feel like there is something to look forward to.

There isn’t.
And there hasn’t been for a long time.
And because of all that, I don’t know how to be me anymore.

And I’m terrified of that.
I really am.

I’m sure it’s just a phase.
I hope it’s just a phase.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up some time from now and look back at this day and laugh at how fleeting it all was.

I hope so.
I really hope so.

But i'm not so sure.

Lightbulb.

I was right smack dab in the middle of a regular normal evening of a whole lot of nothing special when suddenly it hit me - like a mack f**king truck.


That great big fire is in my belly.
It feels good to be back.

wink, wink.

Crazy Sexy Survivor

So in the midst of my deep soul searching and vast life changes, I’ve actually had some time to read. And (interestingly enough) a day before all hell seemed to break loose, I received a book in the mail that I’d totally forgotten I’d ordered.

I picked it up yesterday and haven’t been able to put it down (well, except for my brief foray into the Big E today). It is Kris Carr’s Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor. I am already a HUGE fan of Kris’s. Honestly, If I could harness just a millisecond of her energy and power and confidence and all out spunk, I’d be a happy woman. I idolize her spirit.

Anyway, I am not a person living with Cancer but in today’s world where it runs rampant, I think it’s just plain ignorant to ignore it’s presence in life in general. What I love about Kris’s books though is that yes, she talks about cancer but really what she’s talking about is life beyond cancer, beyond strife – or to quote her ‘to channel our inner gods and goddessess’.

Well, Kris, you couldn’t have come at a better time!
This book is my homework assignment.

Life, as they say, is Waiting.

twilight

A little over a month ago I think, I mentioned what I call my GA’s (otherwise known as Guardian Angels).

I had a really fitful night’s sleep last night for a million reasons. My mind was racing. I don’t like conflict. In fact, I absolutely hate it. I will fight if I have to but most times, I cut my losses and I walk away and disappear into the twilight somewhere.

I’m in the middle of conflict right now. A part of me just wants to chase the twilight and disappear from it all, turn a corner completely (and if I know me, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing) but right now, I feel really vulnerable. I feel bad. I wish that things were different. Sometimes I think that certain combinations of people just don’t bring out the good in eachother. It’s a tough lesson but in that case, what else can you do but walk away and try not to look back?

Why drag it out? Right?
Why fight for something that I’m not sure was really working anyway?
I don’t know what the answer is.
I just have to listen to myself and trust that I’m going in the right direction.

Oh, so anyway, back to the GA’s.
I dreamed all night long. The dream started really badly. I won’t go into details but I’ll just say that the images and the circumstances were tortuous for me.

Then just as suddenly, the dream switched. Luke was there. We shared this apartment filled with beautiful things we made with our own hands out of random household goods (paintings and curtains and furniture, colors colors colors). It was snowing outside and we had a ski ramp in our living room (I don’t know either…it’s a dream, what can I say?) and people were snowboarding down the slope.

He was moving out.
And I was really sad about it.
I kept looking around and around at all the things we’d made together and I didn’t want to be alone in that house.

He took me by the hands and gave me a bear hug that lasted for hours and all my anxieties went away and I was finally safe.

Luke – I’ve had your album on repeat this weekend. Music is a healer. You’re soul is an inspiration. Thank you, thank you, thank you for joining my crew of Angels.

Gotta love those angels, man!
I’m in good hands now.

shine

So, officially today, I woke up hungover, alone, sad, hurt, embarrassed and with the blaring realization that I have been misled and used up and (worse) allowed myself to be manipulated. This isn’t going to be a post about blame. I take full responsibility for everything that has happened or hasn’t happened in my life. There are broken people in this world. I’m no stranger to that. There are head cases and damaged souls. The part that bothers me, is that I didn’t love myself enough to stand up from the beginning and say ‘no.’

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I tried to say no. A couple times. But I guess I didn’t trust that I knew the answers already. I didn’t trust that I really did deserve better. I won’t make that mistake again.

You know, I’m not sure about this relationship stuff. Most times, I honestly think it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But I still believe that there is greatness out there waiting for me. Somewhere inside, after everything, I still believe. That’s my soul, shining right on through the debris.

Hope.

It’s a beautiful thing.

I have allowed myself to be steered off course the last 6 weeks. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew that I’d gone the wrong way. I’m not utilizing my time correctly. I’m not following the lighted paths. I’ve known it too but I wasn’t listening.

It’s been a tough day but also a great one because now I can finally try to put myself in a place where my soul can shine, not through garbage and debris, but out in the world, bright as the morning sun, saying to the world

"this is me, I am loved, and life is beautiful."

(photo courtesy of Lucas Reynolds)

It’s time to write again.
I can’t seem to shut myself up lately!

Luke posted another message on his blog (picturesandsound.blogspot.com) and it’s all got me thinking.

I realize it’s a dangerous thing to not be satisfied with life as it is; to not be in the moment and give thanks for your blessings. I do get that. And I really try to see every single day as a gift even in its imperfections.

I’ve got that restless feeling today. Restlessness is hard for me. I’m reading all these books lately about finding your purpose and setting aside restlessness as a sign that you’re not living simply enough, not appreciating things, not seeing the path God has you on for what it is – acceptance and all that.

But I’m a creative spirit.
And creative spirits get restless and are rarely satisfied.

I desire so much out my life and I’m extremely hard on myself. I’m not very forgiving of my shortcomings sometimes. I want it all and I wanted it 2 seconds ago. I expect heaps from people too. I have very high expectations about how people should react, how they should behave, how they should treat me the same way (and with the same amount of energy) that I treat them.

I was having a freak out at work today. I felt pulled in a million different directions and I felt extremely alone. I hate those days. And what always seems to happen on those days when all I need is an act of kindness and a shoulder, everyone disappears! People are too busy or unreachable and (worse – like today) they are needy, needy, needy. I was bombarded left and right today with people needing me for things and all I wanted to do was bitch for 5 minutes to someone who would listen. All I wanted was for someone to be there for me at once.

Part of it is the fact that I’m an Assistant so my job is being needed and on most days, I don’t mind it. Today I did. Friends weren’t around the way I needed them to be. I’ve crashed and burned on giving and I wanted a little piece for myself.

Only one person was able to do that for me today (thanks Nana). He sat me down and we had a long talk before I burst into tears at my desk and he said that I was the kind of person who doesn’t know how to receive love. And at first I was a little taken aback because a: we don’t know eachother all that well and b: I never thought of myself that way.

I think he could tell by my face that I wasn’t sure how to react so (thankfully) he explained. He said I give and I give and I give and most of the time I like it (and he’s right; I like being needed – who doesn’t?) And because of that people think I don’t need help. They don’t ask because I always act stronger than I am sometimes. But the clincher was that he believed that I didn’t know how to receive the help even if people offered it.

And he was right!!

I gave him a hug and went on my way (ducking out quietly so I could think about this). How do you learn how to love?? How do you learn to receive gifts when your whole life you’ve been taught to take care of things yourself (I’m the oldest too…the oldest always takes care of everyone else). It’s all part of this big wall in my life that is keeping me from living the kind of life and having the kind of relationships I really want.

It was a key. I knew it when he said it. But now I’m left with the wonder and the worry that I don’t know how to break through the wall.

Vulnerability is really difficult for me. Maybe it is for lots of people, I don’t know. But I know it feels particularly difficult for me. It’s like I’m afraid that if I show people that I need them, that I’ll lose control over the things in my life. If I show people that (yes) I too sometimes, just need a hug, and an ear to listen to me talk about bullshit for a change; to be afraid and worried and incapable of handling my feelings sometimes, to not be perfect, just myself (my unique, crazy, creative, sensitive self), maybe they won’t accept me the same way. I don’t know what I’m thinking when those feelings crop up. It’s all a garbled mess in my mind.

Even now, I’m sitting here writing this and I’m feeling guilty that I needed people today. How messed up is that? I have a right to need people too, don’t I? When did that become confused in my mind? Maybe when my father left when I was a kid or when my mom consistently refused to bail me out of trouble (suffering the consequences of my actions was big to her) or when the one guy I’ve ever loved decided he didn’t love me anymore – could all those reasons be it? Did I turn off that need valve slowly little by little?

I don’t need anyone.
I can handle it myself.
I don’t need distractions – I have a plan.

But my plans have all changed suddenly.
My focuses are becoming melted and intertwined and different.
The things that I once filled my life with (travel and writing and parties) aren’t doing it for me anymore.

I want more.
I want something different.
I want freedom and love.

I know that sounds cheesy but this brings me back to Luke. Luke’s the kind of guy who reminds me of some core part of my soul- he reminds me of who I am inside; the things that are important to me, the things I desire – and they are all so much simpler than I ever thought before.

I don’t really want to conquer the world.
I want to love and be loved. I want a home of my own. I want a family. I want to live life honestly and give freely and try new things and get out in the world and have adventures.

I want to learn to surf.
I want to spend way more time outdoors.
I want to hike big mountains and hear beautiful music and make love by campfire light.
I want to laugh more than I cry.
I want to make a difference in someone’s life.

Maybe I have. Maybe I’m not seeing the big picture. Maybe I’m just lonely today. But something is different in me and I can’t ignore it.

I don’t want to hide anymore.

Watched Catch and Release tonight for the millionth time to get my mind off my thoughts. It might be one of my favorite love stories of all time…

BALANCE & SURRENDER

What do you do when you know you have to change to be the best version of yourself you can be and the rest of the world around is going to stay the same?

How do you find the strength to say, “I’m the most important thing today?”

I know that it’s time (actually the time flew by a while ago) to be the person I am on the outside that I live and breath on the inside. And I know in order to do that, I’ll have to break old habits; I’ll have to leave my comfort zone; and I’m going to have to be a little different around people who have known me as one thing for most of my life.

It’s a tough decision. A tough compromise. The person I want to be on the outside is sort of radically different than the person I’ve been showing people (in some ways though my heart is still exactly the same). I wouldn’t want that to change anyway.

I’ve been caught for the last few weeks with that realization – sort of putting it off in a way so I wouldn’t have to face that choice. But I can’t run from it anymore. I’m terrified of walking through the world with a different set of eyes. I won’t be able to use the same old crutches and habits and the same numbing out with instant gratification that I normally do.

I’ve been saying for a while that I want to feel it all – everything good and everything bad; just be present and alive no matter what.

But now that I’m on the cusp of saying ‘this is how it’s now going to be’; I’m terrified of it! Ahhh. Life. What a trip, huh?

I can see it all in my mind’s eye – this soul inside just bursting to get out and be free of restrictions and fly high for once in my life. I can see it clear as day; clarity and peace and freedom and love, love, love…all around me. God is sitting beside me, waiting for me to say the word. I feel like one of those dogs at a race track behind the iron gate waiting for the gun shot to resound and that burst of energy takes over them and they GO, GO, GO…

That’s me right now.

It’s an act of surrender. I think I’m terrified of waving the white flag and saying ‘take me. I’m yours. Show me the way home, no matter how different everything looks to me.’

But I want it.
For the first time in my whole life.
I really want it.

I’m almost there.
Like this close, man….
This close.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours.

This song is my bible lately. This guy just gets it! You can find hope and inspiration in the strangest places; you just have to look for it: (ps - Thank you Jason - you bring a smile to my face every day)

Well-a you done done me

And you bet I felt it

I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted

I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest

And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention

I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait,

I'm yours

Mmmmhmmm-Mmmmhhmmm, Mmmmmhmmm(Heeeeey heeeey)

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

I look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing

We're just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait,

I'm sure there's no need to complicate, our time is short

This is our fate,

I'm yours.

Do you want to come on?

Scooch on over closer dear, I'll whisper in your ear

Wo-ooo-o-oh who-oo-o-o-oh

Oh yes love, love love love love love

Love you love, love you love

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror

And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer

But my breath fogged up the glass

And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Open up your mind and see like me(I won't hesitate)

Open up your plans and damn you're free(No more, no more)

I look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours(It cannot wait, I'm sure)

So please don't, (please don't, please don't)

There's no need(There's no need to complicate)

There's no need to complicate(Our time is short)

'Cause our time is short(This is our fate)

This is oh, this is oh, this is our fate

I'm yo-o-o-o-ooo-ours

Ahhh

Love and Inspiration.

Just a note.

I woke up today to about 50 different text messages from my friends. Some want to see me today. Some were looking out for me. Some just wanted to talk. Some wanted to share their talents and get opinions.

It occurred to me that we’re always so busy looking for love outside of ourselves; cloaked in some greater glory, some story somewhere. I think love is just quite simply RIGHT HERE.

I’m a lucky girl!
Now I have to start acting like one.

Ask yourself if maybe you’ve missed the boat on love too? Are you looking too far, too fast? Are you ignoring the gifts and the beauty that are in your own backyard? I would bet you money that you are…

PATIENCE

I lied to a friend the other day.
I hate when I do that.
But the words just kind of slipped out.

I told him I was patient.
It’s not true.

I want things and I want them five minutes ago.

I’ve had a lot of time on my hands the last couple days. I do not do well with time. I am constantly trying to fill it up and numb it out and go, go, go. When I have a day or two with *gasp* NO PLANS, I mentally crumble.

How horrible is that?

You know what that means? It means that I don’t like being around myself. It means I don’t trust the moment, the right here, right now that I live and breathe. I thought I was much more evolved than that. Even evolution slips through the cracks sometimes. Demons slip in. That inner voice starts up and screams at you when you’re not looking.

It’s beautiful out today.
The rains have stopped.
The sun is shining. Wind is blowing. Life is waiting.
I know, I know. I will join it all soon.

I shut down some time last night. Just turned all the positive energy flows off. And *gasp again* started to feel sorry for myself.

I’ve kicked some major ass the last few weeks. I really have. I’ve made some changes, I’ve gone with the flow, I’ve risen above, let things go – with a wink and a smile on my face.

Acceptance. It’s a journey.
Some days are good. Some days are rocky.

I have so many plans to make; so much I want to do the next few months. But I want to do it all consciously. I don’t want to fill my time because I don’t want to think and feel. I want to feel EVERYTHING. I want to breathe free and clear, bad and good, beauty and ugly. All of it.

My friend Lauren told me a couple weeks ago when I was in the middle of a spiritual crises and had emailed her in a frenzy at work asking her if she though God leaves when you feel alone in the world. And she told me No. She told me it’s the opposite. God clears things away sometimes so it’s just you and him and you’re forced to listen.

I tried to ignore him all weekend.
He had left two full days open just for he and I and I tried to block it out.
I won’t do it again.

In fact, I’m getting in the car, turning up the tunes, and communing; having a good ole fashioned, one on one, pow-wow with the man in my life.

He must need me now.
Otherwise, why would we have given us so much time together this weekend?

No more noise.
No more numbing out.

I am here.
Me.
Right now.

And life is good.

(Thank you Lauren for opening my eyes over and over again).

:)

oh, and by the way...

Here is the current soundtrack of my life lately.

Sugarland is pretty huge right now. But I've honestly never been into them (aside from a few hit songs) until now. Their latest album is filled with soul. Any time I've needed to be reminded how big my heart can be, I've put on this record and sat back and dreamed away.

A big plus - Their version of Matt Nathanson's, Come on, Get Higher sends chills down my spine.

George - the epitomey of what a real man is! Every single lyric to this song, I get. I blast this whenever I'm having doubts about how awesome my kind of life is...

James Otto - I literally JUST discovered him 3 days ago and cannot stop listening! With the exception of Lady Antebellum's Charles Kelley, this guy has my newest favorite voice. I cannot get enough of his rockin', country soul.

And he's new!

So please check him out, request his songs, buy his albums. We need real artists out there being successful. Flood your radios!

Luke Bryan.

Okay, to my friends it's no secret how much I have a crush on this man. But that aside, I've had the privledge to see him in concert twice now and each time, he's always blown the headliners out of the water. If you're into a good ole boy, life on the farm, country man...Luke is your guy.

He reminds me how much fun this life is.
And his sexy dance moves and giant smile help a bit too!

Pictures and Sound is the newest band collaboration from my fellow New Englander Lucas Reynolds (formaly of the band Blue Merle).

If you follow his blog (picturesandsound.blogspot.com) you can track the work and life of a true artist in the best sense of the word. His sound just keeps getting better and better and every word out of his mouth is something I can relate to.

Not just your average pop fare, his songs make you think and smile and feel all at the same time. Another diamond in the rough.

Perfect for long drives and rainy sunday afternoons when all you want to do is snuggle.

(ALL MUSIC AVAILABLE ON ITUNES!)

a corner turned

Do you know that feeling when you wake up and things are just…different?

That kind of happened today.

You see, I think this last month has been a test and I almost failed (miserably) but somehow, this last week, I pulled myself right back up, drew lines for myself, and said ‘No way, man. I’m not going to let this set me back. I’m choosing differently this time’.

So today I feel like I’ve come out of the other side. And totally unscathed, too! But the coolest part is (the newest part), I can also feel that I’ve changed inside.

And for the better.

So, all that work and worry and some tears later, I’m a better person for all of that. And you can’t fault a lesson (no matter how hard it is) when all it was trying to do was make you a thousand times more kick-ass than you were before!

I’m in a really good place right now.

In the next few weeks I will be able to start saving some money.

I’m getting back into shape (which is long overdue and always makes me happy – that endorphins thing is a pretty powerful drug).

I’ve seriously got the best friends that anyone could ever have. I know everyone thinks that about their own friends but that’s because they haven’t met mine and don’t know any better!! I’ve had some of the best, most life changing, hysterical loving conversations with all these people over the last few weeks and I can’t thank any of them enough for always having my back and wanting me to smile all the time!

It’s about to be fall. My favorite season. You know what that means? Sweaters, and coffee, and hikes, and campfires, and Halloween!!, and The Big E, the local winery harvests, and bonfires, and long, long drives all over New England with the radio blasting and my best friends all around me, that cool, crisp feeling in the air which always signals change. God, I love the fall!!

I’ve given myself the next month and a half to finish revision on my novel and have conceded to the fact that I need to immediately finish the second novel I started writing this past spring.

I’ve got big plans to go to Texas to visit my baby sister and her fiancé (my boy JC) and we are going to rock the South for a whole week!

My stepdad Eric is going to take me skiing this year (which I’ve been dying to do since I was 16 years old) so I even have something to look forward to this winter when normally I’d just be waiting for Spring to come.

And in addition to all this… I know now more than ever how ready I am to have a relationship with someone. A real, honest relationship. You know how long it’s taken me to say that? You know how much I’ve fought that urge my entire adult life? It’s liberating to know that I’ve opened my heart right back up again and anything can come out of it this time…

Who knows, right?
Maybe this time next year, all my dreams will have come true!

It’s out there.
All of it.
Just waiting for me to keep moving forward and learning my lessons and becoming smarter and happier and (most importantly) to know my worth.

I get it now.

Anything is possible.
Anything.
This life is kind of awesome, isn’t it