just for fun.

Happiness is a Choice.

Here’s what I think about enlightenment:

When you start to honor yourself, when you start to let the truth sink in little by little by little, you see angels everywhere and strength comes out of the blue.

First of all, I need to mention that in my case, things are moving super slowly. And part of my evolution is to really be A-Ok with the slowness (most days lately, I really am which I think is improvement in and of itself!). I’ve come to terms with the fact that while some people make a decision to change things and in turn, their lives ignite and changes come at them really fast and others (like myself) make a decision to change and every step is a baby step, every corner is turned at a modest 25 miles an hour with small bursts of inspiration thrown in for good measure.

But you know what? I’m totally okay with that.
I’ve come to realize that any progress, no matter how fast or slow, is good process.

Actually – it’s GREAT progress.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a woman in this world. Maybe not even on that grand of a scale, I’ve been thinking about who I am as a woman.

How am I defined?
What shapes me, moves me, nourishes me?
What do I deserve?
What do I aspire to and what can I settle into?
What is inherent and what can be changed?

I’ve been thinking about the women of the world that I admire: Maya Angelou, Kris Carr, Angelina Jolie, Sydney Bristow (ok, she’s fictional but she counts!), Keri Russell, Danneel Harris, Faith Hill, Miranda Lambert, Sally Field, Joanne Woodward, Emma Thompson – all these women for a million different reasons – who speak to me, inspire me, challenge me and encourage me to keep fighting, keep pushing the limits, keep emerging like the butterflies we’re all meant to be.

I’ve been thinking about men and my relationship to them: what I’ve come to expect, how little I’ve accepted, how I’ve lost myself in ideas of romance and not the realities of love.

You know what I’ve learned recently – I like the dirty work! I like the idea of challenge in love, of fighting for something that you believe in, of unending support and cherishing the individuality of another; their quirks, the things that make them unique and genuine.

It’s a travesty in this country that we’ve romanticized romance so much. We’ve caused it to lose its luster, I think. We’ve Disney-fied everything. Give me the nitty-gritty. Give me the flaws!

It’s in the dim light of the movie screen flicker that all of us subconsciously (and not so subconsciously) suck up as truth, we don’t see people for who they really are. We see them as who we want them to be. We compare and contrast.

In essence, we never give ourselves a chance for love!

How can we, when the movie versions are always going to make us feel like we’re falling short? Or that we should be reaching higher? That our partners will always look like supermodels and say the perfect things and make grand sweeping gestures for your attention all the time!

Puhleese!!!

That’s not to say that I don’t expect romance. I just expect my version of romance. Which I’m learning has less to do with gestures and more to do with the people involved. How sexy is it to be with a partner who I can trust with my secrets and my dreams? Who can make me laugh or (even better) who laughs when I inevitably do something ridiculous and dorky (one of my favorite pastimes!)? Who honors my quirks and see my truths and wants to stand by my side through all the times – good, bad, ugly, AND OF COURSE, the sexy!

AND THEN I realized that while it’s all fine and good to be looking for these attributes in another person; it’s completely unfair to my unnamed potential, rockin’ husband to demand that kind of complete rad-ness from him when I’m falling short myself.

The moral: Be the rocking, kick ass, gorgeous, quirky, whole person you expect from others!!

Give as much as you expect to take.

I’m settling in. And like I said, it’s slow. Super slow. Some days I have more clarity than others but its working.

And every day that I honor my truest self and take care of me first, I can feel myself getting closer to meeting my future modern day outlaw of a man.


I was sitting in a meeting this morning. And, let’s be honest, I kind of hate meetings. Especially meetings filled with PowerPoints about Taxes!

But as I was sitting there, instead of fading in and out and letting my energy get sucked out of me with every slide change on the projector, I started visualizing (yay Buddhism classes!).

I pictured this giant ball of white light forming over my head and the top of my head opening up and soaking up all the light so that it filled my entire body. My body instantly got warm and tingly and energized (it was the coolest thing!). And it was okay to be sitting there. It was okay to be where I was, learning about Sales & Use taxes and year end projections.

I was just fine – JUST AS I WAS.

First time ever! I loved it!

I also try another trick (as kooky as it sounds, it works for me so it might work for you). Along the visualization lines, whenever I’m in a situation that’s draining me, whenever I’m around a person who is leeching onto my good stuff, or inadvertently hurting me or making me angry (we all have those people in our lives), if I can’t walk away or be somewhere different and remove myself, I call in my wellness posse!

Everyone’s wellness posse is different.

For me, it’s a group of about five:

I call in Ewan (because he’s been like a guardian angel to me),
Angelina (because she’s not afraid to take chances),
Kris (because she embraces life), Sam & Dean Winchester (because they never stop doing the right thing no matter how scary it is), and my own personal spirit guide direct from the Big G upstairs who I feel is watching over me (because it reminds me that God is always with me and there is a bigger purpose to everything).

You can picture Buddha, Elvis, Tony Hawk, Your mom, your rockin’ mailman (whoever, you get the idea) – anyone who inspires you and reminds you of the most valuable parts of yourself.

I envision them surrounding me. Some just stand near, watching over. Some wrap their arms around me, hold my hands, and whisper in my ear. Sometimes, I just have to picture them standing tall, with their arms crossed, shaking their heads at the madness I’ve found myself in (and that seems to say enough). It doesn’t matter. What matters is they are there and they make me strong and help bring up the power inside so I’m not so easily manipulated by the energy suckers out in the world (of which there are many).

I don’t know. Call me crazy. But I think “whatever works!” and that works for me. It gives me a shot of ‘you know what’s right, girlfriend and DON’T FORGET IT!’

And we could all use a reminder about following our gut.

We could all use a little more of those internal lights inside all of us burning brightly for a change.

Day 3.

(Schoodic Point, Maine)

My time here is just about over.
Day three has gone on without a hitch.

I woke to homemade blueberry pancakes and a nice pot of tea. The winds were howling this morning because of an overnight storm; all the leaves tumbling off the trees in their final show of the season. I love those kinds of mornings; stormy but warm. Dangerous but safe inside well-lit houses.

We were going to take it easy today. Drove into town to grab a cuppa joe. I bought a really cheap but delicious bottle of Raw Unprocessed Maine Honey (it’s about 9 bucks to buy a bottle like that back home. 5 bucks in Maine. Crazy!)

We decided to drive out to Schoodic Point because the winds were so crazy we knew the waves would be crashing wildly out there. It’s a well known Acadia National Park spot for waves. We were right. Wavy it was. Crazy wavy. And majestic and beautiful.

You know what I love about Maine? How rustic it is. I know that sounds cliche but it’s so true. People let things be what they are. They don’t try to ‘pretty’ everything up. They let things live and breathe and weather on their own terms. They are more interested in the landscape. Isn’t that how it should be? Really?

Anyway, once the wave watching was over, we drove back home and started up dinner. A feast! While that was simmering and stewing, we carved pumpkins. Masterpieces, all of them, I think. Took a group photo with our individual pumpkins spread out in front of us. Ate dinner and then played a mean game of Scrabble.

I didn’t win but I got a couple good words in so I was happy!

Now I’m about to crack open my new book. So much to say about the book and what I’ve taken away from this weekend but I’m growing too tired. Will be sure to get back to you on all that soon!

Lots of changes. Lots of hope. Lots of love….

Until next time.

Happy Halloween folks!

simple things.

What a great day!
Let me give you a bit of a run down.

Woke up to homemade oatmeal and hot tea.

Walked into town and hit up the Farmer’s Market. Bought Kale, Broccoli, B. Sprouts, and Lamb Chops. Met a couple farmers with big personalities and a woman selling bread who played the guitar.

Checked out a bookstore – A Port in the Storm – Bought a new book I’m flying through and a cup of coffee from the local café.

Grabbed lunch in Bar Harbor center (a veggie wrap) and a little boy about 6 or 7 looked at me and said, “Good Afternoon.” It was so cute.

Walked along the sea wall and watched the fishing boats. Got an idea for a new novel.

Back at the house, Bill had cut the grass and put together the new pellet stove. We sat on the front porch w/more tea. I cracked open my book and took a short nap on the futon.

Next, Dinner at McKay’s. A warm, inviting pub in the center of town. White lights and red walls. Glass of red. Old memories and new stories.

Once back home, tried out the pellet stove. I can still hear the whirring of the fan blowing warmth through the old boards.

I’m happy here. I’m happy to be around things that matter to me. I need more of that in my life.

A whole lot more.

PS – Truth has finally become more valuable to me than fiction (no matter how good those lies may look). I’m not stopping until I get everything I deserve.

Huh?!

Ah, life. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, that all your ducks are in a row, that you can see exactly where your road is leading – Wham! Another curve ball.

I’ve ducked and I’ve swerved and here I am; sitting in a house, lovingly crafted and warmed from the inside out by the kind of family who help remind you of what’s important, who you really are on the inside where it’s pure and beautiful.

Today started with a 6am coffee and long highways (what gets better than that?!).

Breakfast in Portland (eggs and wheat toast).

A tour of the restored old house.

Lunch in town - Spinach salad, warmed goat cheese, focaccia bread.

Window shopping – Cooking supplies and cookbooks and antique furniture.

Hot Green Tea on the porch reading Yoga magazines, talking with the girls.

A long walk at sunset by the river watching birds and passing cars.

Homemade dinner (pizzas, Salad with walnuts, dried cranberries, butternut squash, and Portuguese wine) and good conversation.

I love it here.
This place reminds me of what’s important in life (to me.)

I’m on the verge of a breakthrough where anything can happen and undoubtedly will. If I know anything about anything lately, I’m betting that I don’t have a darn clue as to where I’m heading.

And you know what?

I kinda like it that way.

My friend Luke Reynolds was featured in a video collaboration for the Conservation Alliance. It’s beautiful and so is he. Check it out!


Return to the Outdoors - Luke Reynolds from TheSnaz DotCom on Vimeo.

Blessings in disguise.

That hidden nerve.
Man, we all have one.

That one thing that is hidden deep down inside that you think nobody knows about you, or if they do they are in your inner circle close enough to not judge you for it and you like it that way so you do what you can to protect it so it won’t get out into the world and totally give you away.

Look, I’ve known what mine was for a long time. As you can probably guess, I’m pretty self aware (maybe to a fault). And every once in a while, I think I’ve worked on it a little, think I’ve made some progress in that area and that’s enough to make me not obsess about that thing for a few weeks or a few months even (on a good stretch).

It’s been bothering me for a few months now because I have let myself go; because things have been hard and I always take things out on myself first when things get hard. And every day, I do my best to talk myself through it; encouraging words, ‘just keep it going, get up every day, smile’ kind of words so that I don’t live in a state of berating myself about my shortcomings (that just can’t be healthy for anyone, I think).

But the truth is I do berate myself. Every single day. My brain doesn’t stop. And I know it’s not healthy and I know I should treat myself better but the truth is, it’s the oldest, deepest habit I have. And those deep wounds…they are usually the last to heal, aren’t they?

Today someone said something to me that cut right to that part of myself I try to deny all the time – something I try to numb out and pretend isn’t there. Something I thought was a secret. They weren’t trying to be hurtful. I know that. They probably thought they were simply offering some friendly advice; something that could help me a little.

But to me…it stung.
And it stung hard.

My eyes immediately welled up and I thought some bad things about that person for a second and tried to stop my thoughts from racing to that horrible place that loves to make me feel bad – that horrible recording in our heads that tries to get us to f**k up all the time and get off track.

And even now, as I’m writing this, my head is still going crazy and I’m still on the verge of tears. That’s what those wounds feel like. That’s why they are buried so deep because it’s too painful to let them up to the surface.

The truth is I probably wouldn’t have ever thought to say what was said to me to someone else. It’s not in my nature. But I can’t really be mad at them for it. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful and they don’t know me well enough to know how deep that cut really is (and honestly, some people I consider my closest friends still manage to say things to me that do the same thing so you just never know when those zingers are going to hit).

The truth is I’m a grown woman and this wound was formed when I was a very little girl and it’s probably time to tackle it once and for all. I know that. Intellectually I really do know that. And I’ve been trying the last few months to get to a healthier place in my mind about it; so that I could heal that pain and do the right things from the purest place I have inside – so I’m not reacting and overreacting and taking it all out on myself like I have been.

But it’s really hard.
I didn’t expect it to be easy but I didn’t expect it to be this hard either (Coldplay was onto something with that one).

I don’t want to just slap a band-aid on it like it never happened. It happened for a reason. I’m sure it happened to get me to start to value myself more and to stop this horrible pattern. Maybe it happened to motivate me.

I honestly can’t even begin to tell you the whys.
Because right now I’m just raw.
And sad.
And a little disappointed, I guess.
But I think more at myself than the person who said the words.
Which is progress of a whole new kind in my opinion.

In my world, there are no coincidences.

It’s not a coincidence that I heard this today: (this particular issue has been weighing heavily on me for about a week).

It’s not a coincidence that I heard it from that particular person. (Out of all the people in my life right now, the one that could zing me the deepest is this person. They have my attention).

It’s not a coincidence that I’m going to Maine this weekend (I need time out of my element, in nature, with good, sensible people (my family) to get my head on straight about a lot of things).

On a high note, I know I’m changing and that’s a good thing.

I know I’m changing for the better because I want to cry and just let it out for a change; instead of stuffing it down or numbing it out the way I have been my entire life.

I know because I don’t want to hate the person who said those words to me; because somewhere inside I realize that they said it to help me and that maybe, someday I will thank them for it.

I know because I am sort of starting to see what my worth really is and it’s powerful and big and passionate and even though it scares me half to death almost all the time, I’m finally starting to slowly feel like I can take steps to bring that poor little girl that got so hurt all those years ago, out into the world stronger then ever before so she can rise above her pain and let it fall away and let her soul fly free the way it wanted to from the beginning before tragedy struck.

I’m learning that I don’t think big enough and I settle too easy.
I give away too much to other people and don’t speak up enough for myself.

It’s time to think bigger.
It’s time to heal some old wounds.
It’s time to stop measuring my worth outside of myself and treat my body the way it deserves to be treated – like a temple. Like a goddess.

Like the rocket ship that will take me to the most amazing worlds waiting out there for me to be brave and take that first step into the great unknown.

UPDATE: So, I wrote this blog this morning while at work because I can’t access blogs from our work computers. I came home tonight and decided to actually talk to my mom about this whole thing (I don’t reach out to my mom as much as I probably should because I’m stubborn).

Anyway, I told her what my friend said and she turned to me and said, “You know, that’s probably the best kind of friend you can have because they didn’t just gloss over the truth to make you feel better. They said something hard because they know what you could be deep down inside.”

Hearing those words only confirmed what I’d already known from the moment that pain struck this morning: It’s the truth.

The hard truth.
Tomorrow I will be sure to thank this friend and then find a way to forgive myself and make some changes.

All in a days work, my friends...

intuition

Maybe it’s the full moon.
Or the fact that it’s nearing Halloween.
Who knows how that stuff works anyway, really…

But I’d like to think it’s my age. Some things really do get better with age. And for me, that big thing is my intuition.

It’s been rockin’ lately.

I’ve always been a person that ‘strange’ things happened around – I seem to have the ability to meet the most interesting people at the most interesting times (did I ever tell you about the time I met Jesus in a café in Ireland? Or the old man I met when I was just out of highschool who appeared out of nowhere at the bookstore I was working in and who happened to drop knowledge he had no business knowing about me before disappearing completely? - true story! Gone! Vanished into thin air. Who the heck was that guy?)

Never mind all the crazy stories I have from my apartment in Glastonbury! Talk about weird occurrences; sounds, footsteps, things falling off walls, the television changing channels all on its own, a knock on my door at 3 in the morning that woke me out of a dead sleep (and I don’t wake up out of a dead sleep, like, EVER! Bombs could be going off around me and I’m down for the count.) I called out my roommates name and there was no answer so I just went back to bed. When I asked her about it the next day, she said she was in bed sleeping and hadn’t been up at 3 am (hmmmm). That was one of the weirdest places I’ve ever lived.

One of my very favorite ‘strange’ instances was a couple years back when I was driving through traffic and had turned the radio on and the song “your song” by Elton John started right up. I love that song because I’m a huge fan of the movie Moulin Rouge and every time I hear it, I think of Ewan McGregor (anyone who has been following this blog knows that he has particular significance to me). Anyway, so it was March 31st (which I happen to know is Ewan’s birthday) so the song came on and I kind of smiled at the nice little moment where I got to say “happy birthday” while “your song” was on the radio.

But in a strange twist of fate, at the very same moment all this was happening in my head, this car sped by me in the right hand lane (so fast that it shook my car and I was forced to look at it as it passed by because it was so unexpected). And you know what the license plate said?

Ewen.
That’s it.
Just Ewen.

How weird is that?

I don’t know why that stuff happens or what any of it means and honestly, I don’t really care. Personally, to me, it just signifies a unity between me and some other world out there; sort of like a little pat on the back or a ‘hello’ or acknowledgement that I’m not alone, that I’m on the right path, that someone is watching me.

And I’m comforted by that thought.

In fact, when I go through weeks where I don’t get those nudges, I hate it. I feel really adrift somehow. Like I’m stumbling around in the dark.

I like the encouragement. I probably don’t need it the way I think I do, but I like it. I sort of count on it actually.

And maybe the Big G. (as I like to call him), I don’t know, maybe he knows that I’m one of those children that need a little extra encouragement.

I’m also a person that has the craziest of all crazy dreams. I’ve had vivid dreams my entire life. I remember having them as a child even. And I’ve talked about it a bit on this blog. Some of them have changed my life in pretty big ways as well.

A couple times (and I mean only literally – 2 times in my entire life so far) I’ve had dreams that actually predicted something. My favorite of those stories was a few years back…I had just gotten into the show Supernatural and the first season was just about to end. A week before the finale, I had a dream involving the characters on that show that was so vivid and real and kind of horrific that I told both my sister and my best friend about it (who both thought I was a little crazy by the way).

A week later, my sister and I are watching the show, completely involved in the story line and suddenly she turns to me and says, “Wait, this looks kind of familiar…isn’t this your dream?” My heart kind of stopped. It WAS my dream. I had dreamed the finale a week before I saw it. That was the first time that had ever happened. (And I have no idea why it happened with something as trivial as a TV show but again, who knows how this stuff works, right? It would be cool if I could predict some lottery numbers though J )

Lately, I’ve started having some interesting changes to my dreams. I rarely dream about people that I know. Almost never. Most of the time, I’m dreaming about myself in strange situations but I’m usually alone or with people I don’t recognize or actors or musicians who I don’t actually know personally but who mean something to me iconically. So, when I do dream about friends or family, I pay closer attention.

I’ve been dreaming about a friend a lot over the last couple months. And they are different dreams than I’ve ever had. For one, I only seem to have the dreams on the nights after I’ve spent time with them (which makes some sense because they’d be on my mind). And in the dream, they are always, ALWAYS doing horrible things to me or horrible things around me.

When I first started having the dreams, I was usually just a victim; like I was stuck there and would be forced to see things and hear things that I didn’t want to see and hear.

Last night though, the details were similar but I changed. I wasn’t as much of a victim this time. I found a way to get out of it and tried to escape (not entirely successfully but I hadn’t ever tried to escape before).

I guess I’m sharing this story because I’ve never had dreams so specific to one person before, repetitive kind of dreams like this. That’s what I mean about not feeling alone in the world. Believe what you want about any of this but I feel like someone, something (whatever), is definitely trying to make sure I understand exactly the effect this particular person can have in my life if I constantly act like a victim.

To quote last week’s Supernatural episode (yup, can’t help myself - those boys drop wisdom sometimes):
“It’s a slippery slope, brother.”

I sort of feel like that. It’s a slippery slope with this person. And my dreams are there to help me see that and they’ve been there from the beginning, almost instantly from the moment I starting spending any time with this person. I feel like I have some kind of watch dog sitting there in the dark…they let me do my own thing 99 % of the time but when I start to get too close to the fire, they make damn sure I know what I’m heading into.

That kind of rocks my socks.

My last post kind of just ‘touched’ on that feeling in my gut. Since I’ve started writing again, that feeling has come back and it’s been full force.

I spent so much of my 20s feeling lost and adrift in the world; feeling like I believed in a God but fighting him every step of the way, challenging him, blatantly refusing to listen to the messages I was getting, ultimately believing that what I was feeling (what I wanted) was right above all else because I didn’t always like what my gut was telling me.

I’ve learned now to LISTEN. I’ve learned what truth feels like and what those lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better feel like. You what I’ve noticed in my case? Any decision I make that has raw emotion behind it, is usually the WRONG decision. I used to think the opposite way; if it had raw emotion, if I couldn’t live with it or without it, it HAD to be the right thing, my destiny, the best decision that I could make for myself. In truth, those were always the decisions that blew up in my face.

And hard.

In truth, the real clue to a great decision is TOTAL PEACE. It’s not a slap in the face or a deep longing or gotta have this or I might die, kind of feeling. It’s a tug. It’s a whisper. It’s consistent and it’s small. There is no pain or longing or desire. It’s there, just as it is, resting inside until you wake up enough to trust it and feel it. It doesn’t want you to die without it because you already have it inside, as a part of your destiny; it’s simply just waiting for you to catch up and ride the wave instead of fighting the current all the time.

My writing – it’s a wave. It’s a nudge and a wink and a tug. It’s always there but it’s not a deep longing. It just is. It’s a part of me and it’s waiting for me to stop fighting the current.

I’ve felt back in the flow lately. I’ve picked up my pen and started again.
What kinds of things do you long for? Fight against? What kind of things just are?

Those are the things to fight for.
That is your destiny.
And mine.

See you on the other side, my friends.

From The Gut.

You know that feeling when something inside is completely pushing you toward some deep, unknown something but you just have NO IDEA what it is? Yea, that’s been in my gut the last week. It’s been a welcome feeling because I feel like I’ve been so completely disconnected from myself for months, like I’ve been on this strange time-travel trip and didn’t realize it or something; some kind of dream world.

I know that’s not completely true though. I made a lot of choices over the last few months that I clearly remember making only, looking back, I feel like I was hijacked or something – sort of aware of things but not really (yea, I don’t know what I’m talking about either!).

ANYWHO - I’ve been taking this Buddhist class and last night’s lecture was all about being conscious and I guess basically that’s what has been on my mind today. I figured out what it feels like when I’m not making a conscious decision vs. what it feels like when I am. Frankly, I consider that a HUGE accomplishment; like I’ve been let in on a secret that only a few thousand people probably take the time to figure out.

I can now ask myself: Where is this decision coming from? How does it feel?

And actually get a true (honest to goodness) answer from myself. Total trust and self-love. It’s great!

And with that realization after a few months of disconnection, I get that fire back in my belly telling me what’s important, what to fight for, what to give my time to, and what to look out for. It’s a pretty good gift to have back. In fact, I didn’t even know I was missing it until I got it back and now I’m not sure how I managed to go through life for those weeks without that feeling.

It’s the most perfect internal compass.

There just isn’t much to fear when that radar is turned on.

And you know that feeling of excitement that sometimes flitters into your stomach at total random and makes you want to hug the person next to you because you feel so GOOD for a change and for no real reason? Yea, that feeling comes back full force when that internal compass comes back on even when nothing has changed in your life externally.

That shift has to happen on the inside first. Once that happens…you’re in. You’re golden. You’re on your way. I guess that’s what I feel like the last few days.

I’m on my way.
And it’s about friggin’ time!

FanGirl 101.

Yes, I am going to take a couple minutes on my blog to totally ‘fan’ out right now. It’s no secret how much I love the show Supernatural (Thursday nights, 9pm, The CW network). I have literally seen every single episode of this show, most of them several times (DVD packs are a beautiful thing).

I go on the websites daily and check out ratings news. I read interviews with the writers to try and find out what direction they are intending to go in with my characters (whom I affectionately call ‘theboys’). It’s a rare thing when a television show can get under your skin and not just transport you somewhere else but in a strange twist of artistic fate, grabs a hold of you and infiltrates your consciousness.

This show is like that for me.

It started rather innocently. Let’s face it. The guys are hot. They drive an even hotter car. And, as if that wasn’t cool enough, they get to shoot guns and listen to classic rock. It was like getting a dose of kick ass eye candy every week. But somehow, episode after episode I just seemed to get deeper and deeper into the mythology of the show and (even better, and it’s something I appreciate so much as a writer myself), I got deeper and deeper into the hearts and souls of Sam and Dean Winchester.

I've laughed with them and cried with them. I've even dreamed about them. It's a writer's wet dream to create characters that people think about and talk about and I always think about that when hours after the show is over, I'm still playing scenes back in my head or wondering how Sam or Dean would react to a real-life situation that I happen to be in.

We have now somehow landed onto Season 4 (time certainly flies). And they’ve had their ups and downs with the stories. Some things have worked and some things haven’t. And every year, I root for them to land homers – to take the show in the direction I believe it could go. They’ve gotten so close so many times; almost…but somehow not quite.

Until now.

They are ON FIRE this year. Absolutely, hitting every episode out of the park. Last night, I was literally screaming at my television, cheering on the boys, fighting for the boys, praying for them. I wish I could be a fly on the wall of that writer’s room this year; take a dip into their creative process. God, I would love to write for television. Just watching the process over these last 4 years, how they are blessed to take on characters for such a length of time that they actually get to grow with them. That’s heaven for a writer. And I imagine too, for a lot of actors. It shows. It shows in the performances and it shows in the dialogue and it has been a ride watching it unfold.

It’s no secret to us SPN fans, that Master Kripke (the show’s creator, as we affectionately call him) is planning on ending the show after Season 5 and I’m trying not to get sad about it.

I’ll miss those boys every week. I really will.
I’ve spent almost every week in their lives for 4 years.
Weird, I know...but true.

But I must give props where it’s due and this year, they are not only earning their stripes – they are completely owning them and it's completely f**king cool to watch.

AND YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING TOO!

because you're missing out on a wild ride.

So, in the spirit of FanGirl(dom), I'm going to list my Favorite Top 10 Supernatural Episodes (So Far...):

1.. Lazarus Rising
2. Everybody Loves a Clown
3. Bloodlust/Metamorphosis (tie)
4. Bad Day at Black Rock
5. Home
6. Skin
7. The Pilot
8. Fresh Blood
9. Nightshifter
10. Wendigo

ICONOCLASTS

-for your viewing pleasure.
I am quite simply obsessed with this show. There hasn't been one episode that hasn't taught me something new about art, humanity, faith, risk, and life.
It moves and inspires me.
Maybe it will do the same for you.
Enjoy my friends...

The sound of horses

So, I had another dream last night.
Another ‘stand out, follow me around all day’ kind of dream.

Only ½ the details are clear in my head. I lost most of them when I woke up.

And I won’t tell you everything because (let’s face it) some details are just better left private but I will say that most of the dream took place outside of an old, wooded mansion-type house and one part of the dream that I cannot get out of my mind is walking alone, in the dark on the grounds and in the adjacent property hearing the sound of running horses. I only caught glimpses of the actual animals but that sound…I can’t get it out of my head.

The ground was shaking beneath me.
It was misty and kind of delicious outside, if only a little ominous. (Everything in my dreams are usually a little ominous). It was like that scene in Dances with Wolves where he’s sleeping in the cabin and wakes up to ground shaking because a herd of Buffalo where passing by – it was almost exactly like that.
And that wild, majestic feeling I just can’t get out of my head! It’s crazy when your subconscious mind gets a hold of you like that. Like I said, there were lots of other things that happened and I’m sure if you started to piece them together, it would all make some sort of sense in the context of my life as it is, right at this moment.
But right now, it’s just me and those horses.

icons

On another note, I was driving along in my car this weekend thinking as usual (I totally zone out in the car; it’s dangerous, I know) and I was thinking about Ewan Mcgregor because I had just read a really good interview with him last Friday. He was talking about how 7 years ago he stopped drinking and he hasn’t had one drop since the day he decided to stop.
Not one.
And you know what his reason for stopping was? Because he woke up one day and asked himself what drinking brought to his life and when he decided that it was nothing worth fighting for, he just let it go. Just like that.

I’m so envious of people like that. People who just decide something and then just do it. I know, you’re probably thinking ‘well, it’s that simple. You could too.’
But it’s not that simple. Well, I don’t know. It hasn’t been for me. I’m still stuck on that First Step. But hearing my idols talk about that stuff, really helps put things in perspective when I get all jumbled up in my mind with too many thoughts and not enough action.
And then as I was thinking about Ewan, I had another random Idol thought. I started to think about Angelina Jolie. It occurred to me that she’s kind of the face of changing lanes, isn’t she? Going from the bad girl who cuts herself, collects knives, and wears vials of blood around her neck to a worldly humanitarian, Goodwill ambassador, and mother of 6!
Talk about deciding one day to be different! I would love to pick her brain…ask her how she did that. How she went from one kind of person to another and so seamlessly at that? Did it start as a spark? Just a thought? An interest? Or did she wake up one day and tell herself that it was time to change and change drastically?
I made a list this weekend of those themes that have sort of carried through my life; which directions I’ve been pulled to. It’s always been a cross between Art and being out in the World – pulled in two directions.
When I was an adolescent I wanted to find the cure for cancer, join the Peace Corps, be a conservationist, and work in Jungles researching things (what? Well, I didn’t know that part). But I also wanted to write and make films and (maybe) act. I didn’t know which.
I was afraid to call myself an artist. I remember thinking that when I was choosing schools. I chose the one school that intimidated me the most and it was the only one I applied to and I got in. There I was surrounded by artists; intense people who all seemed to know what they were doing and I still felt like I was floundering a bit. There were other things going on in my life as well, which probably didn’t help but I think I just didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. Where does that passion come from ? Was I just faking it?
Some days I felt like I was.
I had some professors who really seemed to back me up (almost to my annoyance at times because they wouldn’t let up on me). They saw something in me that they wanted to help grow. Looking back, it was probably just a questioning that I had (and still obviously have); a need to make meaning out of the chaos and observe behaviors.
I always wanted to create – to express myself. But there was always something in me that felt selfish about the creativity – the egos involved, the utter self-absorption it takes for people to market themselves and keep trying over and over that I had a hard time getting behind. I wanted to make a living at writing but I wanted to do it my way.
I wanted to do it from my house in the country behind closed doors surrounded by family – not on the world stage as much; not as some puppet of the studio system.
I had a few years where I was just writing to write and those were good years. I didn’t care about publishing or what people thought. I lived in my stories and they poured out of me. In that pure place, it’s the most addictive feeling in the world; when characters take on lives of their own and surprise you; when you are sitting there believing you’re removed enough to get the right words down and suddenly tears are flowing down your cheeks or you laugh out loud because the story you’re creating has sucked you in and made you an audience member more than the creator.
I LOVE THAT FEELING!
I really do. That’s the feeling I chase when I think about writing for a living. I really could give a crap about everything else.
Can that sustain my life? I don’t know.
I don’t think so.
I want a family of my own (which I hope will come with time). I want to get out of my own way enough to do something in this world that helps other people.
Something that has nothing to do with me at all. (I’m so tired of me!)
Is it a coincidence that most of my idols are people who seem to balance their creative lives with their family lives with their humanitarian lives?
I think not. Ashley Judd, Ewan Mcgregor, Paul Newman, Angelina Jolie, Kris Carr, Maya Angelou to name a few. These people are my teachers. They light a fire in me and try to get me to remember what’s important, to branch out, to finally listen to the voice within that is trying to show me the way to go.
This weekend Angie and Ewan stepped up to the plate.
And all I can say is, ‘I’m listening. ‘ and ‘thank you.’

journey to the center of ... me?

For the last couple days I’ve been thinking about this quote that I heard years ago:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, (and) fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)

Why are people afraid of their own power; their ability to shine bright and chase life? Is it because we are taught to be submissive at a young age; parents constantly silencing their children’s voices so they don’t manipulate situations that aren’t all about the children? I can see the logic really. It’s a balance teaching your children that the world doesn’t revolve around them, so they aren’t socially awkward or social bullies. I do get that. But at the same time, are you also teaching them to be afraid of their own voice?? To not upset the status quo?

I don’t know.

What I do know is I’m terrified of whatever power I might have lurking inside. It’s constant battle of self sabotage vs self love. I do it in almost every area of my life – with friends I play the clown, I back down, I don’t speak up…why? Because I don’t want to ruffle feathers. Because it’s easier to just let things roll off my back than fight for myself. Easier, maybe… but not better. With guys I don’t say what I really want, I put up with behavior that is far less than I deserve. I get walked over (sometimes unintentionally) but walked over nonetheless.

I’m a people pleaser.

There are a lot of girls that have this problem, I know. We want people to like us. And I guess on some levels, that’s a good quality but for me, it’s held me back. It’s kept me stuck. And it’s caused whatever light, whatever point of power inside me – to slowly try and snuff itself out.

I don’t want to do that anymore!
I really don’t.
But like most habits, of which I have many, it’s a tough one to break.

Changing that single-handedly upsets the dynamic of every relationship in my life.

And the biggest one?
The relationship with myself.

I notice that when I get in situations where I’m constantly giving my internal energy away over and over, my external body seems to get bigger and bigger because I’m either eating to compensate or drinking to compensate.

Coincidence? I think not!

It’s all a part of that snuffing out.

Is it part self-punishment for not feeling good enough or being valued enough?


Or is it a way of stuffing down the brilliance inside that is you?

Without that extra padding, that buffer, who are you? Are you easier to read? Are you protected anymore? Are you more vulnerable? Do things hurt more when you aren’t numbed out?

Probably.

But isn’t that what we are here for?

It’s my biggest battle really; stuffing down the light and numbing out in a layer of ‘protection’ from the rest of the world – not speaking up, not being vulnerable, not taking chances.

Inside I am all fire and light. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt it really raging in there. I fear that getting older can put a lid on that fire and make it more difficult to tap into. I know, that my telling it stay down (consciously or unconsciously) isn’t helping. Maybe the light inside finally started listening to me.

And now, ironically – I don’t want it too!

I want to pop the cork. I want it to burst off and shoot into the air and scream: SHE’S BACK. SHE’S HERE. SHE’S READY.

LOOK OUT, Y’ALL!!

No one is going to pop that cork but me. I know that. I’m a 30 year old child right now. A child who’d scared of her own shadow.

Do I do it? Do I dare take off the wrapper? Do I even think of shaking the bottle a little? Lift the cork? Push it up ever so slightly.

BANG!

There is goes.

Now what??

What the hell happens then?!
Will the world fall apart?
What if I lose friends, potential lovers, jobs?
What if I start running marathons, scaling mountain walls, fitting into size 8 jeans?
What if gasp! I’m the sexiest, most mysterious girl at the party?
What if people don’t just like me? What if they love me?

What do I do with that?
How do I handle that kind of change?

Is it everything I say I want? Yup.
But it all scares the bejesus outta me.

It changes everything. And change is scary.
Will people talk about me? Will they not like this person I am? Will it alienate me?

Chances are, the ones that really care about me will stick around no matter what the changes look like. It’s kind of a way of weeding out the ones that are in for the long haul and the one’s that are in it because you make them feel better about their lives but only at the expense of your own.

And also, I will probably make new friends. Friends more aligned with who I am inside. And that would be cool too. I mean, isn’t that what I’ve been saying I’ve wanted?

So why aren’t I jumping at the first chance to embrace change and GO FOR IT!!

Because it’s f*cking hard, that’s why!

Because it’s scary as hell.

Because I might feel things I’ve been afraid to feel.

Does that make it all less worth it? Absolutely not. Probably even more so. But that’s the excuse. That’s the reason for shutting out the light and burying it all down.

The first step, they say, is the hardest.
Step one.

I’ll say it again.

STEP ONE.

That’s all it will take.

When I was a kid I wrote a paper in my 4th grade class (I think. It’s been a while and the grades are blurring). I remember my teacher talking to us about time travel and we had to write a paper extrapolating on the idea that we could go back in time to any time…which time period would we choose and who would we be and why?

I loved this exercise. One because I got to use my imagination which was and (still is) my very bestest friend in the world. And two, because I knew where I’d go and who I’d be. I knew it in a flash.

You know what my 4th grade mind said?

I said would go back to the Old West. I’d own a saloon. Wear big ole cowboy hats with wide brims. And I’d only serve outlaws. No law allowed!

That’s what my childlike, 4th grade heart truly wanted. I wanted to shoot guns and hold up the joint against bad types (the type that wore badges, that is) and ride horses through the dusty streets with no fear.

That person – that’s what my light looks like. That’s what the fire inside is waiting to be.

More of this:

And a lot less of this:

Shine on, y’all!!!!!!
Shine on.

Lucas Reynolds says it best I think on his Pictures and Sounds album:
”Soon, we will rise up like a tidal wave.”

Hallelujah.