One Giant Leap.

I have been a long, crazy roller coaster the last few months. For a long time (like basically all of my 20s), I believed I understood what trusting someone really meant. I trusted that my friends wouldn’t let me down. I trusted that people would inherently do the right thing. I trusted that the only person I could really count on would ultimately be me. (Which is actually the opposite of trusting someone but more on that later).

It’s such a cliché to say that when you give your heart to someone, it’s a risk. A real chance you take. People say it all the time. But until you’re in the process of deciding whether or not to do it yourself, can you understand what kind of a real risk it truly is.

To put yourself out there. On the line. Exposed. Ready to believe, willing to look beyond, but also ready to roll up your sleeves, fight a little, dig deep, commit. COMMIT. What a cool word. What does that mean? Is it a piece of paper people sign? Is it a child? Personally, I think it’s so much more than either of those things. Sometimes I think people use those things to show a commitment they are secretly afraid isn’t there.

Commitment is about trusting someone with your heart, even when they make mistakes. Even when they do something that makes you terrified. Even when they open their heart and share pieces of themselves that cause your own heart to be anxious for fear that you could lose them at any moment. Can you set your fear aside to be there for someone else? I found out today that I can and that made me hopeful about my future in a way that I wasn’t sure I was capable.

It’s easy to tell someone that you want them to open up, to tell you everything because those words sound like something people say when they are in relationships. But usually when someone starts to say the truth, all the real things they think inside or the things that happen to them, you ultimately end up hearing something that you don’t want to hear. That happened to me tonight. Someone told me the truth and inside my heart was fluttering and nervous and my stomach started to hurt but it was exactly what I’d asked of him. And the fact that he was doing what I’d asked also filled me with hope.

And then I had a wave of my own strength. It was the right thing to do. It was what we needed, that kind of honesty. And that’s where real trust comes in. Could things change because of this? Maybe? But it meant the world that he’d taken a chance in telling me something that made us both a little uncomfortable. It meant that he was trying. For me. And that meant that I have to try for him. I have to try to not be afraid. To listen. To believe that all will turn out just as it should no matter the outcome. That I can’t use this against him like people do when they think they are there for someone until suddenly, well – they just aren’t. It is what it is. And he trusted me enough to tell me.

And right now.
That’s everything.
It’s more than enough.
None of us know how something will end. And most people try to control things, to control the outcome. But it’s impossible. If you sign onto something, it’s really a crap shoot, isn’t it?

But if you discover it was worth signing, even though you don’t know where you’ll be when all is said and done…if you discover that not only can you do the work but you can do it and still keep a sense of yourself in the process…that’s a gift.

A gift I’m learning that I want to accept with open arms. No matter what the cost might be. My heart is back open which means that anything can happen. My heart is open now for someone here or somewhere I can’t even see yet. I really can do this. I started this journey kicking and screaming and fighting with everything I have. I’m done fighting now.

The sky is the limit.