JOURNALING

“Are you in control of your feelings or are they in control of you?”

I fell in love.

And it hurt.

Love is complicated. It’s really hard. And (as that saying goes) sometimes it just isn’t enough.

I’m in the process of grieving right now. Grieving lost dreams. Grieving time spent with someone I not only loved but admired sometimes, someone who challenged me and made me laugh and took my hand and tried to be there each and every day. For me.

I know he loves me. I know that he wanted this as much as I said I did. But what I’ve learned and am learning that even the best of intentions really don’t make two people right for eachother. Or even good for eachother.

What is it about two people choosing to couple up that makes it so hard to break that bond? It’s been hard losing him. Really hard. In fact, it’s been difficult to stop crying in the hours since I left his house that we shared.

Last night I did some really good thinking; the dig down deep kind. I thought about the good things. The simple gifts we gave eachother with a smile, a touch, a laugh. And I thought about the bad things. Trust. It’s killed us. (well, the lack of it has). It’s confusing as hell to love someone and not trust them. I’ve fought long and hard to get there. But a gut feeling is a gut feeling and maybe the truth of all of it, is that we just push the wrong buttons in eachother. Oil and Water. Good intentions or none.

I want him to be happy. Even more than I want me to be happy. Which is how I know what I feel is genuine. I wish things could’ve been different. I wish we could stay friends. I wish he could be in my life for the rest of my life, some way, some how but without the worry and wonder and the hurt. Wishful thinking. And not entirely possible in reality.

I know that.

It’s too hard. And right now, I think distance is the right thing for both of us. To move forward. To remember what life was like before the other person became a part of the future plan.

Starting over.

But different.

I’m different.

Just like any real, meaningful, life changing experience, being with him changed me. The things he brought up for me. The things he told me that I didn’t want to see about myself. The things I realized I wanted and deserved to have by being hurt by the cracks in our relationship. He said things that were true about me. And I heard them. And that is a gift. I will try to find my way one day at a time. One step at time.

I think all of us or a lot of us have that one guy or girl in their lives that slipped through the cracks. The one that should’ve been different, should’ve been better. The one that if the timing and situation was just a little more perfect, you would rule the world together.

He is that one guy for me.

And he always will be.

I miss you.

And I love you.

You woke me up

And forever I will be grateful.

Be happy.

And…

Thank you.

For everything, my love. Everything.

This reading came up for me today:

THE TOWER

The Tower is the great awakener. It tears away the veils which, until now, have prevented clear sight. This can be painful, because sometimes it is easier to hold on to illusions than face a difficult truth. The Tower indicates a time of transformation at a very deep level, often brought about through external circumstances, in order to create the space in your life for a new form of energy and experience.

This card advises that it is time to let go, to allow things to take their course, to resist the urge to fight or deny the experience. The right action is to wait for the storm to blow over - and it will. You may feel that you have been washed up on a foreign shore with no map, but this is actually a time when you can experience yourself as a strong, empowered being, programmed for survival.

The Tower can also signify a sudden flash of insight, a realisation that can bring forth a state of ecstasy and which can change your life in an instant - the inexplicable feeling of 'Eureka!' that has given rise to some of the most important scientific discoveries. But in this case, the discovery is about yourself, about who and what you are. The gifts of the Tower, though they may seem harsh, open the way to a powerful, true sense of self.

Question to ponder: Are you now ready to let go of the masks which hide the true self?