Was listening to NPR this morning. Like I do every day lately. NPR just totally relaxes me. I’ve never figured out why but I’m certainly not going to stop now.
Anyway, there was a Matt Nathanson podcast I can’t get enough of that I’ve been listening to on repeat this week - his performance on the mountain stage from December 3, 2008. My mind was heavy this morning. Thick with thoughts. Which isn’t new for me. But after the events of the last week or so, it’s gotten worse. I think to be free. I think to find the truth. I think and think and think.
Whew.
During the show, Matt says to the audience who has been oh-so-tentatively singing the lyrics with him at his request:
“It’s a togetherness thing. Don’t be afraid.”
I paused.
Blinked.
Hmm.
Yeah, Matt. You got it. Right there. Hand over heart. I get you.
Sitting there, shadowed behind the fraying gray walls of my cubicle, something inside me lit up. Something I’d been chewing on for a while.
Where is the passion in my life?
That spark?
And why the hell is it so hard to come by nowadays????
For me, I don’t know, I’m bubbling over with passion. It’s hard to see sometimes. I’m so protected and protective of myself and my heart. But it’s there. I need it and want it. For most of my life, I’ve been either afraid of it or have been apologizing for it.
The last week?
I decided I was tired of doing both of those things.
Is it wrong to want to live passionately? To desire to have that be a part of your relationships? I want it dripping from my fingers. Under the surface. Only a precious few, my lovers, my closest friends truly know what is lurking. Like it could spill over at anytime. Where and when? Who knows? I mean, doesn’t that feel good just thinking about it?
As adults we are taught (for some obvious reasons, I think) to keep passion under wraps. As kids we run until sweat soaks our Sunday best without thinking twice. We paint with our fingers. We laugh and laugh until our bellies hurt. We dive into ice creams bowls with unbridled abandon. No sense of consequence. No sense of “should I be doing this?”
It’s delicious.
It’s happiness.
It’s total freedom.
Say it all together now…. Ahhhhhhh.
Grown-ups are molded to repress that feeling. And on some level, obviously, I get that. We have responsibilities. We have functions. Most of us even have little people that rely on us to eat and be safe and be well-formed human beings in the world. It’s a big job but someone’s got to do it.
So where does passion fit in?
I struggle with that all the time.
When I’m in a writing mode, it’s a fever. I don’t stop. I think about the characters all the time. I picture them in every situation imaginable. I laugh for them and cry for them. And like those children who can’t stop their feet from running, I simply go, go, go.
It feels good in that zone. But it’s fleeting.
Reality sets in. Life encroaches. And that demon TIME rushes in like a vacuum and takes that vibe right with it. Bills. Hurt. Work. Health. Love. Pain. Loss. Worry. Anxiety. One giant buzzkill. Sometimes anyway.
I’m okay with responsibility. I know all of life isn’t one big circus sideshow, with lights, colors, elephants in tutus, and a daily starlit flight over crowds of wondrous children with mouths agape while on a gilded trapeze covered in long, decorative scarves trailing behind me.
Life is hard sometimes.
But I never wanted it to beat me. And I certainly never wanted to fight for passion in the places it should just normally be.
Passion in love.
Passion in work maybe.
Passion for myself.
Recently, I feel like I’ve been fighting for it and its draining me like some energy vampire, sucking the life right out the few veins that are fighting to fill me up.
I decided today that I will never again apologize for wanting passion in my life. I won’t apologize for needing it in my relationships either. It’s who I am. It’s what I deserve. Hell…it’s what we all deserve. When I love, in any way, shape, or form, I need to express it. I need to shout it from the mountain tops, a hug and a hand, between the sheets, or maybe that day with only a pen.
It’s okay to want to be wanted. To be excited. To have the gears grinding.
It’s okay to stick your face in that bowl of ice cream every once in a while, and sweat, and chase fireflies at dusk just because the feel of the grass on your bare toes and the sound of wind whipping through tall grass makes you come alive, if only for just a moment.
(Come on! You know you want to…)
To all the energy vampires in my life…I’m sorry but I just decided you might have to go.
I’ve got an empty jar waiting to be filled with light.
Over and over and over again.
DELICIOUS life.
I love you.
(By the way.
My horoscope for this week.
Seemed appropriate.
Thought I’d share.
Enjoy.)
"There are two things to aim at in life," wrote essayist Logan Pearsall Smith. "First to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." You are currently in a position, however, to accomplish that magical second aim, Capricorn. More than ever before, you have the power to want what you actually have . . . to enjoy the fruits of your labors . . . to take your attention off the struggle so that you may fully love the experiences your struggle has earned you.
