Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
the 'breakover'
One week. To the day. Broken up.
I’ve been in Milwaukee the last couple days keeping a friend company while she’s on business so I don’t know if it’s just being in a new place that has made the tears slow down and real thinking occur, but either way, I’m not going to argue.
Tears suck! (Don’t they?) Even if they do feel better. (and they do)
I still talk to him. Every day. Maybe that makes it harder for us, I have no idea. The truth is, I’m not fully ready to let him go. He’s been in my life 24 hours a day straight for almost a year pretty much. It’s hard. Just because a relationship isn’t working, doesn’t mean you stop caring and even loving that person.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I care deeply about what happens to him. That’s not ever going to change. That’s all there is to it. But I’m also bracing myself for the day when one of us decides enough is enough and needs to cut the ties. Ugh. Secretly, I kind of hope it’s me first but I have a feeling that I’ll be hanging on harder than him in that case. We will tackle that day when it comes. Um. Ok. I’LL tackle that day when it comes. (Yikes. Old habits die hard).
But I also see it all for what it is, and he and I have seemed to come to an agreement: even though we love eachother, space and time and genuine work on ourselves is the best option. And I’m ready now.
You know, I’m a believer in fate. I think things happen for a reason. And I know in my heart that we met to change eachother’s lives, to awaken eachother to the pieces that were broken and illuminate change. I can’t really speak for him, but I know he did that for me.
He taught me about self worth. What I deserve. How I envision my life being for the next 80 years. Communication. Honesty. You know, all that good stuff. And he taught me that I take the easy way out. And he was right. He is right. And I’m going to do my darndest to stop that pattern.
On the plane I started the book “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.” It’s written by the guy who wrote “he’s just not that into you,” and it’s an amazing book! It was exactly what I needed to read.
The point is that instead of thinking of this shitty situation (and it is a very shitty situation) as a break-up, think of it as a Break-Over, an opportunity for transformation. Get off your butt. Make yourself the shining star you could be and could’ve been before you spent all your time and energy trying to fix a dying relationship.
And that’s what I intend to do. Easier said than done maybe but I don’t know, it’s time. It’s time to do the work. Get my finances in order. Maybe go back to school. Drop that 40 pounds I keep saying is going to come off. Write. Get the dust off my bike and maybe join an outdoor club. See more movies. Talk to strangers. Maybe kick a little ass at my job for a change.
Who knows?
Possibilities are endless.
And that’s a cool feeling.
It really is.
It’s not a break-up. It’s a break-over.
Yeah. I like the sound of that!
I’ve been in Milwaukee the last couple days keeping a friend company while she’s on business so I don’t know if it’s just being in a new place that has made the tears slow down and real thinking occur, but either way, I’m not going to argue.
Tears suck! (Don’t they?) Even if they do feel better. (and they do)
I still talk to him. Every day. Maybe that makes it harder for us, I have no idea. The truth is, I’m not fully ready to let him go. He’s been in my life 24 hours a day straight for almost a year pretty much. It’s hard. Just because a relationship isn’t working, doesn’t mean you stop caring and even loving that person.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I care deeply about what happens to him. That’s not ever going to change. That’s all there is to it. But I’m also bracing myself for the day when one of us decides enough is enough and needs to cut the ties. Ugh. Secretly, I kind of hope it’s me first but I have a feeling that I’ll be hanging on harder than him in that case. We will tackle that day when it comes. Um. Ok. I’LL tackle that day when it comes. (Yikes. Old habits die hard).
But I also see it all for what it is, and he and I have seemed to come to an agreement: even though we love eachother, space and time and genuine work on ourselves is the best option. And I’m ready now.
You know, I’m a believer in fate. I think things happen for a reason. And I know in my heart that we met to change eachother’s lives, to awaken eachother to the pieces that were broken and illuminate change. I can’t really speak for him, but I know he did that for me.
He taught me about self worth. What I deserve. How I envision my life being for the next 80 years. Communication. Honesty. You know, all that good stuff. And he taught me that I take the easy way out. And he was right. He is right. And I’m going to do my darndest to stop that pattern.
On the plane I started the book “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.” It’s written by the guy who wrote “he’s just not that into you,” and it’s an amazing book! It was exactly what I needed to read.
The point is that instead of thinking of this shitty situation (and it is a very shitty situation) as a break-up, think of it as a Break-Over, an opportunity for transformation. Get off your butt. Make yourself the shining star you could be and could’ve been before you spent all your time and energy trying to fix a dying relationship.
And that’s what I intend to do. Easier said than done maybe but I don’t know, it’s time. It’s time to do the work. Get my finances in order. Maybe go back to school. Drop that 40 pounds I keep saying is going to come off. Write. Get the dust off my bike and maybe join an outdoor club. See more movies. Talk to strangers. Maybe kick a little ass at my job for a change.
Who knows?
Possibilities are endless.
And that’s a cool feeling.
It really is.
It’s not a break-up. It’s a break-over.
Yeah. I like the sound of that!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
notes on "I love you"
Here is an article I found that seemed to maybe ‘find me’ today. I don’t know. Kind of made me feel better and a little hopeful at the same time.
Enjoy…
The Cosmopolitan: 'I love you' isn't enough
Leah Charpentier
9/19/06 - For some people, "I love you" is the divine signifier of a relationship proper, the endpoint of the "please say it" and the moment of truth. But as any seasoned romantic knows, "I love you" does not constitute permanency, it does not dignify the weird moments of silence, nor does it ensure a safe return. No, "I love you" is simply not enough.
A veteran of dating worth her salt will explain by telling you that to be "in" love is a far more desirable thing than to merely love. To be "in" love is what we need, what we require, what keeps us going, our meat and potatoes (or tofu and miso). To be "in" love requires a state of vulnerability so complex and unending, we must rediscover who we are in order to even have access to the place that allows us to feel so profoundly for another human being. When the reality and welfare of another becomes of such concern that it is a priority to be part of that person's happiness, you can say you are in love.
Regardless of some kitschy-framed sayings at Grandma's house, this state in being "in" is often selfish. It is as though one's person's love, joy and delight become of such a warmth and comfort to us that we find ourselves in the forest, where the cold and darkness prevent us from reaching our place of real love. Then there is a fire built before us, a warm and bright campfire, breathing heat into us and lighting our way.
This is no revelation. No, this is the real deal. In truth, you will do just about anything to even momentarily bask in that glow. We want this for three reasons. One, it makes us feel like a needed, contributing and helpful person. Two, people like to have a partner. (Think how boring the world would be without inside jokes, tables for two, or the thrill of genuine love-making.) Finally, and most important of all, the rush of crack, or adrenaline, or goosebumps, pure electricity, or magic or SOMETHING that pumps our heart and steeps our veins in brandy.
That seductive, sadistic, sucker-punch feeling of euphoria every time he wears that suit, makes that face or finishes your fries. Each and every occurrence where he calls as you are dialing, holds your hand during the sad parts of the movie and lets you eat all the broccoli.
When you are in love you are aware, dear reader, and this old sucker still believes that there is a way that things should be for happiness to make its way through. I won't tell you any garbage like "hope floats," but I can say that real love exists and sometimes "I love you" merely skims the surface.
Enjoy…
The Cosmopolitan: 'I love you' isn't enough
Leah Charpentier
9/19/06 - For some people, "I love you" is the divine signifier of a relationship proper, the endpoint of the "please say it" and the moment of truth. But as any seasoned romantic knows, "I love you" does not constitute permanency, it does not dignify the weird moments of silence, nor does it ensure a safe return. No, "I love you" is simply not enough.
A veteran of dating worth her salt will explain by telling you that to be "in" love is a far more desirable thing than to merely love. To be "in" love is what we need, what we require, what keeps us going, our meat and potatoes (or tofu and miso). To be "in" love requires a state of vulnerability so complex and unending, we must rediscover who we are in order to even have access to the place that allows us to feel so profoundly for another human being. When the reality and welfare of another becomes of such concern that it is a priority to be part of that person's happiness, you can say you are in love.
Regardless of some kitschy-framed sayings at Grandma's house, this state in being "in" is often selfish. It is as though one's person's love, joy and delight become of such a warmth and comfort to us that we find ourselves in the forest, where the cold and darkness prevent us from reaching our place of real love. Then there is a fire built before us, a warm and bright campfire, breathing heat into us and lighting our way.
This is no revelation. No, this is the real deal. In truth, you will do just about anything to even momentarily bask in that glow. We want this for three reasons. One, it makes us feel like a needed, contributing and helpful person. Two, people like to have a partner. (Think how boring the world would be without inside jokes, tables for two, or the thrill of genuine love-making.) Finally, and most important of all, the rush of crack, or adrenaline, or goosebumps, pure electricity, or magic or SOMETHING that pumps our heart and steeps our veins in brandy.
That seductive, sadistic, sucker-punch feeling of euphoria every time he wears that suit, makes that face or finishes your fries. Each and every occurrence where he calls as you are dialing, holds your hand during the sad parts of the movie and lets you eat all the broccoli.
When you are in love you are aware, dear reader, and this old sucker still believes that there is a way that things should be for happiness to make its way through. I won't tell you any garbage like "hope floats," but I can say that real love exists and sometimes "I love you" merely skims the surface.
JOURNALING
“Are you in control of your feelings or are they in control of you?”
I fell in love.
And it hurt.
Love is complicated. It’s really hard. And (as that saying goes) sometimes it just isn’t enough.
I’m in the process of grieving right now. Grieving lost dreams. Grieving time spent with someone I not only loved but admired sometimes, someone who challenged me and made me laugh and took my hand and tried to be there each and every day. For me.
I know he loves me. I know that he wanted this as much as I said I did. But what I’ve learned and am learning that even the best of intentions really don’t make two people right for eachother. Or even good for eachother.
What is it about two people choosing to couple up that makes it so hard to break that bond? It’s been hard losing him. Really hard. In fact, it’s been difficult to stop crying in the hours since I left his house that we shared.
Last night I did some really good thinking; the dig down deep kind. I thought about the good things. The simple gifts we gave eachother with a smile, a touch, a laugh. And I thought about the bad things. Trust. It’s killed us. (well, the lack of it has). It’s confusing as hell to love someone and not trust them. I’ve fought long and hard to get there. But a gut feeling is a gut feeling and maybe the truth of all of it, is that we just push the wrong buttons in eachother. Oil and Water. Good intentions or none.
I want him to be happy. Even more than I want me to be happy. Which is how I know what I feel is genuine. I wish things could’ve been different. I wish we could stay friends. I wish he could be in my life for the rest of my life, some way, some how but without the worry and wonder and the hurt. Wishful thinking. And not entirely possible in reality.
I know that.
It’s too hard. And right now, I think distance is the right thing for both of us. To move forward. To remember what life was like before the other person became a part of the future plan.
Starting over.
But different.
I’m different.
Just like any real, meaningful, life changing experience, being with him changed me. The things he brought up for me. The things he told me that I didn’t want to see about myself. The things I realized I wanted and deserved to have by being hurt by the cracks in our relationship. He said things that were true about me. And I heard them. And that is a gift. I will try to find my way one day at a time. One step at time.
I think all of us or a lot of us have that one guy or girl in their lives that slipped through the cracks. The one that should’ve been different, should’ve been better. The one that if the timing and situation was just a little more perfect, you would rule the world together.
He is that one guy for me.
And he always will be.
I miss you.
And I love you.
You woke me up
And forever I will be grateful.
Be happy.
And…
Thank you.
For everything, my love. Everything.
This reading came up for me today:
THE TOWER
The Tower is the great awakener. It tears away the veils which, until now, have prevented clear sight. This can be painful, because sometimes it is easier to hold on to illusions than face a difficult truth. The Tower indicates a time of transformation at a very deep level, often brought about through external circumstances, in order to create the space in your life for a new form of energy and experience.
This card advises that it is time to let go, to allow things to take their course, to resist the urge to fight or deny the experience. The right action is to wait for the storm to blow over - and it will. You may feel that you have been washed up on a foreign shore with no map, but this is actually a time when you can experience yourself as a strong, empowered being, programmed for survival.
The Tower can also signify a sudden flash of insight, a realisation that can bring forth a state of ecstasy and which can change your life in an instant - the inexplicable feeling of 'Eureka!' that has given rise to some of the most important scientific discoveries. But in this case, the discovery is about yourself, about who and what you are. The gifts of the Tower, though they may seem harsh, open the way to a powerful, true sense of self.
Question to ponder: Are you now ready to let go of the masks which hide the true self?
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